Why Change Things...

I am not one that embraces change, I mean really if its going well why change it? If it ain't broke.....don't fix it?? I suppose it is good that things change or I would still be reaching for the RAVE hairspray and blow dryer in the morning and have really big Texan hair ( and in case you didn't know........I love big hair). With any luck maybe someday it will be back "in-style" ......much like everything making a comeback these days .........kinda like "tube tops" which really ......should have stayed hidden!!  

So why am I suddenly doing things that require changing my ways? I'm not sure, maybe I'm trying to go with the flow, accept the things I can not change (now I sound like an AA meeting) and I am learning to embrace change. Or maybe it’s the fact that I will be 29 (+ 10+ 1) this year…….(hopefully none of you are good at math and just gloss over the extra equation added in) and I figure if not now ...then when? I have been doing things this year that push me outside of my comfort zone ALOT. One of my personal  goals I set for myself this year was to work on public speaking. I didn’t write it down, I just had that little fact tumbling around in my head! Anyone that knows me….can tell you I am not at all shy – but the thought of standing up and presenting and speaking with all eyes on me….. AHHHHHH yeah that scares me!!! Even if I am picturing people naked …. Yep- still nervous and now a little freaked out because really …not everyone is meant to be pictured naked!!!!

Changes ahead are rapidly approaching as my work life will be topsy turvy, with bossman retiring soon.....according  to his countdown app he has 84 days left! I love that I have a bossman that lets me be me, he lets me show my "delightful (hahahahaha) and colorful" personality ...and by colorful I mean my whole friggen work area is PINK, HIGH HEELS and PIGS!! He doesn't make me tone it down.......he actually adds to it! One year he even bought me a Christmas Pig Yard Ornament .....pretty sure he thought it would be in my own front yard ....nope - I had other plans. I busted that sucker open, named him Preston Pig and he became the office mascot, who BTW is very well know at work! After Christmas came and went bossman looked at me and said ....."Preston can't stay it still looks like Christmas" .....hummmmm so what I heard was "Preston COULD stay if he didn't look like Christmas" ...that was 2 Christmases ago, Preston Pig now has his own wardrobe cabinet and even his own "Hog-a-day" Card! It will be a sad day when bossman retires ~ and I hate it! But I am trying to embrace change, change is good right? Isn't that what they say? Seriously? I still think it sucks ass - but I guess after 35 years he deserves it.

On a whim, I entered an essay contest about becoming an Avery Brand (Office Products) Ambassador (spokes person), which in turn they would send me FREE (who doesn't love free)  office products to sample, and presentation material that I would need to present to different groups, have a website and do social media post, etc. The contest runs until the end of June 2015 and the winner gets I believe $5000 cash - heck yeah!!! Sounded like a great idea when I signed up.....and I viewed it as another way to work on my public speaking skills...(not to mention I could by alotta shoes with that kind of cash). When I got the letter that I was selected .....I was excited ....and then.......I thought "Oh shit ...what did I get myself into now"? Which has pretty much been my response to a lot of things I have done lately!!   Like my new party adventure as a Pure Romance Consultant! I am super excited (and not just because I get boxes of .....errrrr .......toys .and stuff.............in the mail ~ however that is a bonus) but because this is a new, (yet VERY scary ) adventure ~ where once again I am outside my comfort zone- pushing my limits!  I have found that the other reps not only in the area but all around  are like a new found sisterhood ~ everyone is so supportive and helpful (amazing when you think about it ...... it's all women and no one is clobbering someone over the head with their shoe).

Taking the plunge is the only way I will discover new things and I think this could be an amazing new chapter to add to my 29 (+10+1) years. And if I don't try it ..how would I ever know what will happen?? So here's to embracing change......and all the WTF's that are coming my way (including that big +1 that is rapidly approaching in November)!   

 

Ready To Party????

OMG- where did June go?? Did I blink and we are now in July already?? WTH?? Next time I blink it'll be December!!! Ughh Well lets fast forward and just say that I was the one (and not the hubster)  who caved and allowed technology back into the house (and Hubster did set a timer for it to shut off - bad part of that ... is those nights with insomnia ... and I have no internet!!! And like now I am currently racing a midnight cut off!!! Ahhhhhh ). But it really is like having my very own minion, allowing computer time.

PC:  "Please mom, can I please earn some computer time??"
ME: "Well the floors need to be vacuumed"
PC: "Ok now can I?"
ME: "Looks like the laundry needs to be taken to the laundry room, oh and the garbage's need to be empty ...all of them, oh and don't forget the dishwasher. Make sure to empty and reload it!!! " 
PC: (surely gritting his teeth as he says ok) "OK mom ....all my chores are done, can I PLEASE go on the computer now"

ME: "Sure you have 45 minutes."
PC: "WHAT - after all that?? No I need more time"
ME: " Now you have 30 minutes"
PC: " What? Wait - No - Wait I will take the 45 minutes"

Kudos that he and hubster have been going to the gym at least 4 nights a week ( way more then my lazy muffin top self has been doing) and he is swimming with Jack our water boy daily and well "was" going to Mama Peppers and helping, but somehow he weaseled his way out of doing that!! But he leaves on Sunday to go to the mountains with Mama Pepper....and Witness Protection should be here Monday morning to relocate the Hubster and I!!!

Lets see.... Recap of June...........

1. Jill - the trouble maker has developed a love for my plants ...and YES don't worry folks  they are "Dog Friendly" as they jump right outta the pot and display themselves all over the deck....but look at that face on her!!! I think she is totally mocking me!!!

2.I cut all my hair off (ummm still not sure I like it)  ...and my minion also got 6 inches cut of his...for computer time.....(insert evil laugh here )

3. Went to Drag Queen BINGO- with the "Dirty Bitches" (catch phrase from DQB) from work  - and that was a riot!!! We will have to do that again...even if its just to call the others "Dirty Bitches" and to toss our none winning BINGO card at the winner as they circle around the bar!

4. Jack and Jill went up the hill ....well really around the bed like pro race car drivers, and Mom (aka Me)  fell down tumbling after them... landing on my knee ...OUCH -long story short ....3 weeks of hobbling, saw the young, hot ortho doctor yesterday and today was the 1st day I woke up without pain!! Love those cortizone shots!!!


5. After attending a very entertaining and fun-tab-u-lous  "Pure Romance Party" I have taken the plunge and signed up to be a consultant (click here to see my website they give you) !! So what does that mean to you?? Well .... for all you local buddies that may read this dribble I write - it means that YOU will be invited to a Launch Party (so I can practice - making you OHHHH and AHHHHH and say WTF does that do??) ....and that YOU will have so much fun laughing, giggling and just about ready to pee your pants fun ....... that YOU will beg for me to come and do a party at your house - with all your girlfriends!!!And that YOU will earn FREE STUFF .... for having a good ol' time at your house, with your friends! All you need to do is invite a few friends, have some finger foods, and some cocktails ...and let the fun begin!!!

All those non-local peeps that may come across this ................. hey some day I will  travel ... ...eventually ~ we can always do a catalog party, Facebook party... ...if you see something that may ...er ...well Tickle Your Fancy! Pun, very much intended! HAHAHHAAHA

Guess what else?? NO MEN or CHILDREN are allowed!!! REALLY??? Yep that's right!!! They are NOT ALLOWED..... (yep those are the rules) .... How Fab-Tab-U-LOUS is that?? ( oh ....whoops....sorry.. ..Hubster... you can play later)! So after I figure out what all this fun-tab-u-lous "stuff actually is and does"  (OMG - seriously?? WTH is some of this stuff) ...Anyways it'll be game on!! And don't worry ....it's not just "Those kind of toys (although really what more could you need) ...but they have bath and beauty products, lotions, lubes and yep...toys!!!"

And NOPE  you wont see any of these items at the next Yard Sale at Mama Peppers (more rules on that) ....although they would go nicely with the "Astro Glide, mini massager,  pregnancy test and diapers that we had).So all you men that aren't allowed share this with your ladies.. so they can get busy booking parties!!!

Soggy Summer

Note to self- " Don’t send the grounded child to his Meme's house as punishment …..she taught him to drive the car" WHAT???  I sent him over there so you'd make him do chores...lots and lots of chores!!! Make him scrub the toilets, wash windows, clean the base boards, paint the fence with a tooth brush, sweep the porch, do the laundry ….NOT  teach him to drive!! You know who I am calling when he steals the car now dontcha!!!! He's only 13 ~ but apparently that’s what Meme's do … ..since her mother let the hubster drive to another STATE at 10 ….. Good Gravy … lets not tell PC that one - he''d  be begging to go on a road trip!!!Speaking of road trips… he will be taking one with Mama Pepper - and I wont have to worry about her letting him drive …….Only because she gets car sick if anyone other then her has control of the wheel.   

 

Yep PC is going to the mountains, to White top West Virginia, where I was held hostage in my teenage years.  Yepper-  that's right held hostage by Mama Pepper (or anyone else she could send me off to the mountains with) I would mail out postcards that I was being held hostage to come save me to my friends!! Back in the day when you  made mixed tapes on the boom box, to listen to on your Walkman…...back in time before personal computers, internet, emails ,Facebook, Skype, iPods  …… or gasp…. before we all had cell phones!!! The nosey mailman who obviously read my pleas to be saved from the torture of being isolated in the woods, with no connection to the human world, would give Mama Pepper glaring looks, and ask about the teenage girl on the mountains being held hostage (Mama Pepper would just roll her eyes) ! Clearly he wasn’t interested in saving me, as the cavalry never showed up to take me away!!  

 

PC is very excited to go (me too … I will try and NOT do cart wheels as the car is pulling out of the drive way....it may be hard to contain my excitement that I will be PC free for a whole week .....come to think of it ... that's enough time to pack up the house and relocate into witness protection ....hummmm something to consider). I have forgotten to mention to PC that there is no computer, no cell reception ( not that he has his cell back) and I think they may have a whopping 3 channels on the one TV.  I am sure PC has big plans of getting away from me and hubster (who has been holding strong on the no technology rule ) and plop his ass into a computer chair and Ahhhhhh take a break from being grounded!! HAHAHHAHAHA Wrong -bucko!!  

 

Hummmm come to think of it ……. if I had any common sense I would leave PC here and I would go to the mountain!! And enjoy the peace and quite………...I guess you really do wise up when you get older (even thou I am still only 29)!!!But I will need to stay here , after all who would be fishing Jack outta the pool every 10 minutes morning, noon and night!! Jack the water dog, Jack the mighty Beatle hunter, Jack the soaking wet dog 100 times a day , yep that’s Jack- Jill is like get that giant ass bath tub away from me - I want no part of that wet stuff - just leave me alone!!! Then Jack pushed her in .......needless to say much like the PeeTree the Cat  when Jack pushed her in the pool ....was NOT a happy girl …... it will be a long soggy, technology free summer (for PC at least)  …... I see lots of laundry in my future.......ERR  correction .... I see lots of laundry in PC's summer ....after all Jack was "suppose" to be HIS DOG!!!

   

Make It A Double

Did you know it's possible to be suspended from school  AND be asked NOT to return all because you’re an ASS-MUNCH?? Yepper - we sure did find out that the hard way! I should have followed the clues when….. 

  

1. They raised his tuition rate  for the upcoming year   
2. After my "Teacher Conference" that was oh so delightful …...you know where they listed that he had a "Superior Attitude " and was "A know it All" and " Rude" oh...... and all time favorite "Stated that DAD wanted to see the teachers credentials".  
3. Of course the "Fart Spray" incident didn't help things  

 

I thought we were back on track … clearly I need a new road map because …....Boy was I wrong, the hubster called me on Wednesday and said "I'm on my way to pick up your boy - he's been suspended for the rest of the week. He was causing a commotion"  WTF??? But in the 15 minutes it may have taken the hubster to get to school - it was "He is suspended for the rest of the year. ….. And we will send home his exams to take AT HOME" …..Oh and…. "We don’t want him back here unless you can guarantee that his attitude and behavior has changed" …..UMMMM and how do you think we are able to guarantee that he wont be an ass?? I mean hello?? I have been working on that for 13 years now .. Hasn’t happened yet!!! He is still an ass!!! 

 

 I still am unsure of WHAT exactly happened, according to PC all he did was "move a desk" ...the other kid(s) were actually "expelled"  and I guess the commotion was yelling, screaming and cussing … and PC moving the desk……Pretty sure "Your Suspended" and "We don’t want you back" are the same as being "Expelled" …...but what do I know? It all seemed to happen so fast that my head is still spinning. The only other call we ever had in 2 years was after the Fart Spray last week!! Could he really be that much of a jerk-wad to the teachers?? No need to shake your head and agree...I have no doubt that the answer is ...YES  he could!!! OMG!!!!

 

 Not that I am making light of this, I really am trying to keep calm and not choke the life out of him or the hubster - because I think he is being WAY TO NICE about it ….I really don’t want to be featured on the 6pm evening news…..and trust me when I say it hasn’t been easy, I'm mad, angry, frustrated , humiliated and simply pissed off at this kid!! Pretty sure the tears I have shed over the last few days and nights have actually been produced from the steam that has been coming outta my ears. How did this happen?? How did it come to this?? And a ton of WTF's sprinkled in.....

 

So here I am …….the proud parent of a child who made Magna Cum Laude the first grading period and was kicked out for being an ass-munch by the 2nd grading period. WTF?? Today I get an email from the school … that to make things easier on me (us) we have 2 choices  regarding PC taking his exams …..he can keep the grades that he currently has as his "Final Grades" or he can take the Exams which depending on the scores could HELP or HURT   his current final grade … .I braced myself ….thinking obviously if he was being such an ass-munch (my new favorite word) then his grades must be horrible, how can someone causing so much commotion pay attention and be getting good grades….obviously he is failing miserably …… 

 

Drum Roll Please  

Algebra B+ 

Language Arts A 

Geography C- 

Science C+ 

Fast Forward B 

TA C+ 

Journalism A 

 

Hummm….mind blowing eh? Ummmm,  I voted to keep those grades as his current final grade , because really  they are pretty good … I know I couldn’t pull an B+ outta my ass right now in Algebra … I was Googling  the how to video's to figure out his math homework last week!! And do I want to be screaming and yelling anymore then I already am doing right now with our situation about him doing these freaking exams at home!! Of course I have no intention on telling PC that he does not have to take them, I think I may even get a copy of them and make him take them anyways…...just for fun.  

 

 

The last 2 days I have signed him up to work with Mama Pepper  and helping her with things, I refuse to let him sit around and think he is on some friggen vacation …. Nope we will work him like  a dog. There is no computer, no video games, no cell phone ….for the entire SUMMER …..just chores, chores oh and more chores. And if I have to box up all those things so that the hubster wont cave … so be it … I have the boxes already to be pack and some duck tape to wrap it up and plop it in my next yard sale!! Maybe ever slap a sticker on his head (maybe both PC and Hubster if they don't straighten up)  - free with a purchase!!!

 

So now what?? So where do we go from here?? Where am I sending the ass-munch for 8th grade?? I have no friggen clue..... yet ….... 

 

 Where do I go from here?? Straight to the mini bar and grabbing the tequila ….Mama needs a double tall margarita its been a rough week!!!!  

 

 

Your Grounded .... FOREVER

Just when I think I am going to get the MOTY Award (Mother of the Year) after PC

found a dead squirrel down ...the street, so as anyone who knows this boy ...they know that means the world has ended...... (Pretty sure he'd rather see a dead person in the road then an animal) ... He wanted to go down and bury it.....so "WE" grabbed a mini shovel and a towel , and "WE"  drove down the block and buried the dead (thankfully not squished) squirrel by the creek. And when I say "WE" I mean "ME" because he was way to emotional...and we even said a little squirrel prayer....I thought maybe just maybe .........that would get me some kind of  Wonder Mom  cape,  wand, or maybe a  tiara...... Nope none of the above!!!

 

Fast forward a few days and we are all going in our matchy, matchy outfits for our 1st ,yes,  1st real family photo shoot out at the beach, Hubster bought me a session for X-mass and PC agreed that he would actually partake in this family photo event ....Hummm I guess that we should have done it the day he bought the session and not 4 months later when the groupon was set to expire.......So there we are all in our matchy, matchy outfits, looking like a perfectly normal, sane family and in a blink of an eye .......... ....there we were looking like the  perfectly dysfunctional ~ insane family that we are!! PC transformed from a 13 year old to a 3 year old in a blink of an eye .... and resembled  Cousin It and would not look up and get the friggen hair out of his face. ...Needless to say ... we have no shoots with all 3 of us, it ended up just me and the Hubster gazing in to each others eyes as we smiled and whispered sweet nothings to each other such as ... "I'm gonna freaken kill him " and "Yeah me too" ... now smile big for the photographer ... we stopped the photo shoot after a few pictures.

OMG Seriously?? Cant we do one family photo we could at least pretend to be a normal family right?? At least in pictures!!! I should of just taken the dogs at least they would smile for the camera and be happy to be there with their family ... ..as dysfunctional as we maybe!!

 

Sadly this little incident happened the day before his 13th birthday and he ended up being very grounded for being such as ass!!! And being the mean mom I am .....I made him do his make up work ....yep on his birthday ... at one point PC looked at me and said "This is not a very fun birthday" and I blurted out "And do you know WHY???" yep he did know, do maybe he is learning ....

 

At least I will always remember when he turned 13 ...all I will have to do is look at my family photo portrait .........who is missing part of the family ....WTF???

 

So the adventure didn't stop there nope...sure did not ..... the next incident happened at school...