EWW Whats that smell?

Did you know that for the first time since 1956, Easter Sunday fell on April Fool's Day (April 1st). Since 1900, Easter has fallen on April Fool's Day only four times - 1923, 1934, 1945 and 1956. It won't happen again until 2029. And this year that Easter bunny definitely left us some tricks to deal with!
Easter morning started with me playing sous- chef to the Prince while we made Easter Brunch  and taking directions on how  I should season this, add that, flip the bacon ……..um wait a minute I thought we were cooking together? Not me taking orders while you sit on the couch! I will admit only here and not to the Master Chef aka Prince Charming, I should have followed his lead on the pancakes, but that’s water under the bridge…….or shall I say sink! Cleaning up from brunch I noticed that the carpet by the sink was wet. The Prince and I have been complaining of a “smell/ odor …some kind of funk” for a few months, and the hubster couldn’t smell anything! I was driving myself crazy (and that’s a short drive) with “WTF is that smell” buying ever possible cleaner for the sink, dishwasher, garbage disposable, so after everyone left,  I told the hubster we need to take that kick plate off, because there has to be water down there or dead body or something!! I think to get me to pipe down (see what I did there) he took it off and was shocked at what we discovered!
I am pretty confident that next time I complain of something not “smelling right” that hubster will jump into action and check it out! Clearly I have a sense of smell and he …..does not! After removing the kick plate, we discovered the rotting, decaying, zombies underneath the floor or could have been mold, sludge and just ewwwww (my guess is zombies). Hubster certainly smelled it that time, and I added a few “I told you so’s” in for good measure!!!  
Time to grab the homeowner’s policy and if you have never really looked at yours, it’s time for a chuckle or a good cry. It’s good to know that our homeowners insurance will cover damages if we have a volcanic eruption, or if an aircraft lands on the house, creek floods are also covered should a creek ever run rapid in the house ....but not floods from rain, no nothing practical could be covered like rain in Florida. The leak itself is not covered, but getting to the leak, which is behind the kitchen cabinets, which needed to be removed to get to the leak, is somewhat covered.
The insurance agent sent a “leak specialist” out to yep confirm that we do indeed have a leak ……No Shit Sherlock – I could have told you that, hence the water all over the place! At first assessment of the situation they wanted to go through the backroom where the bar is, you know….. the same room that just GOT FINISHED from renovations …..I think hubster may have told them that would be over my dead body, or they would have a raging redhead lunatic after them but he soon convinced them that it needed to be through the kitchen, because that’s where the original part of the house is and where the water was leaking from.
A contractor came to remove the counter and cabinets to get to the wall where that leak is, good thing hubster was supervising, since he was going to basically leave the water in the walls and let it dry up with the dehumidifier…… that plan changed when hubster knocked a few holes in the wall, and more zombie guts spilled out (okay it could have been more moldy, gross, ewww water). Insert gallons of bleach, spray, cleaner and the smell is finally gone! So is 50% of the kitchen, so we decided that since we would have to pay deductible , that we would just use that money and put in a new kitchen, the contractor wanted to rebuild the base cabinets and reuse the old doors, drawers and counter. Ummm….so we pay out a deductible and get the same shit back? No thanks! Besides the cat is very comfy in her new drawer that she has claimed, how could we possibly put that back in the cabinet?
Another day, another project, another adventure! Its exciting, and annoying but will be amazing when its done! Oh  good news is the PIG border that we already put up in the kitchen  about 4 months ago .....will be staying!! And the dead zombie smell is gone ..............so all will be good!  


Let it go

There comes a time in your life when you just have to step back, take a good look at things and just let go. Let go of your expectations of what life  should be like, let go of that need to meet everyone’s approvals and their demands, and their expectations of you and what they think you should be doing. It’s hard, it’s  scary and it doesn’t come naturally to just let go of that control, of what you think you know, what you think your life should be like and what others think of you. The what if’s, the shoulda, coulda, woulda all come flooding in at a rapid speed, you second guess every decision you’ve made in life, but if you can just let it go, and take it one day at a time, one minute at a time, one moment at a time, things will change, you get a new window to peer out of that has a different view and the tunnel looks a little brighter.

11 months ago, I made (we made) a huge decision, that not everyone agreed with, but we did it anyways, because you know what, we let it go. We stopped second guessing our choices, we let go of that preconceived notation that all kids are meant to be in a classroom, and made a bold choice to withdraw the Prince from school after he turned 16. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, was I doing the right thing? How would I know, I had tried public, private, charter, online and homeschool, this seemed to be my last option, but how would I know if this is the right choice. I had to just let it go, and stop worrying what others would/ did say, because you know what .....they don’t live in my shoes, they didn’t see the daily struggles to get through the day, they just knew what they “thought” our lives “should” be like. That decision I struggled with everyday, I stopped writing because I thought all I’m doing is documenting my failures as a parent, and figured I had enough reminders, and it would help justify the “judgy-mc-judgers” out there that they were right.
 I spent the summer convincing the Prince that he would be taking GED classes in the evening starting in September, I worked with the teacher and arranged for him to come during office hours to take the pretest,  which he passed with flying colors for reading, science and social studies. As for math he was 6 points away from passing, it’s not a subject he’s at all interested in, and therefore he didn’t put a lot of effort in it! Two nights a week he went to the college to work on math with a family friend who also signed up with the Prince and in January the teacher said he had passing scores to begin testing. On Feb. 1st I told the Prince he had 4 test, I was giving him 4 weeks, and he would be graduated by March 1st. End of story, we’d have this past us and look forward to the next chapter. 
I’m so proud to say that he took the challenge, he took one test a week for that 4 weeks that he picked himself the subject and signed up on his own each week.He now has his high school diaploma at 16, as of February 27th. While they forgot to add mine and the hubsters name to his diapolma, I can tell you when he sent me the picture of his diploma  after his last test, I finally felt the weight lift off my shoulders, the tunnel opened up and I knew I had finally got something in this parenting gig right! While we took a different path then most, he still ended up at the same destination, just a year AHEAD of time!

I know it’s a natural response that everyone is like “what’s next”? And I have to remind them that he’s only 16, we have time to sort this out, after all what were you doing at 16? You were in high school as a sophomore or junior, right ? So just let us celebrate this win. We deserve it, it’s been a daily struggle for years with school, I just want to soak it in. The Prince is happier than he has been in years, the weight of the stress with school is off his shoulders for now. It doesn’t mean he will never go back, it means he will choose his path, it will be a side road leading to his own journey. No one can choose it for him, should he want to go to college or a trade school or be an inventor, a chef or a rock polisher ......we will be there to help lead him, but in the end he is a strong willed young man,
who will need to make that choice on his own and follow where that dirt road leads him.

I spent the last 11 months letting go of what others thought of our choices, stopped explaining myself to “judgy-mc- judgers” because it really doesn’t matter what they say or think. I know that we did what’s right by our son, and no one can ever tell me differently and that alone helps me sleep at night. I know one day the Prince will look back and know we did the best we could and he was loved and understood in a difficult period of his life. I hope he realizes this prior to putting me and hubster in the old folks home!

But as a sneak peek into what’s next.....so that you don’t have the risk of my tossing a throat punch your way .......when everyone says “well now what”? The Prince wants to get his restricted drivers license......he’s interested in finding a job, of course it’s a job that doesn’t involve people....so that’s a bit tough to find....after a career assessment he found he could be a rock polisher ......Didn’t even know that’s such a thing......

And a thank you to Meme for telling me to update my blog! It’s been a long time coming!

BMI Chart - Suck It

Do you ever stop and think WHY am I doing this? Like for example …….. Why am I folding my bra and panties as I strip down to my birthday suit and WHY am I now hiding them under my pants and shirt on top of  the chair! Yep - you guessed it, it’s that time of year and I’m at the doctors for my annual “hoo hah” exam and I’m hiding my bra and panties ……why? I mean really the doc is going to be up close and personal with the “hoo –hah” and but no …….she can’t see my unmentionables? I put on my fashionable gown which of course has to go forward facing, because well, she also has to feel up or as they say …..inspect the girls. So there I sit in my most vulnerable state, naked as a jaybird but now wearing a lovely “front facing” plaid gown, which totally clashes with my red beaded necklace and I wait for that knock at the door ……….

Knock ……Enter stage left – the door opens and in walks my doctor. She complements how great my hair looks and how she loves the style it’s cut in – Oh how sweet I think (and I must agree my I was having a good hair day) ……and then she goes in for the kill. She flips a piece of paper over and shows me my weight chart the past few years to let me know I am now in the obese rage according to my height and weight WTF? Am I being punked??  My heart stops, and it takes everything I have in me not to start screaming obscenities at her, and I feel the latch on the flood gates start to pry open, as if I don’t know that I have gained weight over the past few years WTF??
The doc keeps waving the chart around to tell me that I need to exercise more and eat less and stop drinking sodas. Ummm okay wait lets back the bus up (right over her fat head) I do work out, plus we walk the furkids almost every night (and hasn’t she heard I am the FitBit Step Nazi) I don’t eat THAT much and I don’t even drink sodas!!! As she continues to wave this lovely graph in my face she said I was at a good weight in 2013 – I need to do whatever I was doing back then because what I’m doing now clearly isn’t working. I looked at her and said I was taking diet pills that you yelled at me for taking and you told me NOT to take because they could kill me! Humm should I go back to those because clearly I was doing it right back then!! You just said so yourself!! Well that put a stop to her waving the chart in my face, now she has placed it on my purse, like it’s my fucking prize for coming to the doctors!
We finish my exam of the nether regions at least that gets a glowing review, she tells me to cut out this and that and up my cardio to try to lose some of this weight……………yeah thanks doc go ruin some other poor saps soul – but hey at least I’m having a good hair day.
My (soon to be former) doctor knows my medical history, I have seen her for over 20 + years, she knows I have struggled with bulimia and body dysmorphia since I was in about the 7th grade all the way until I was pregnant at 27 with the Prince! I think being pregnant helped me see the light - I cant say it cured me of being bulimic because you never really are cured from an eating disorder, but it did make me wonder WTF I was doing, because when I was pregnant, every morning, noon and night my feet hit the floor I was throwing up! I know gross - but that's when it hit me......I did this on purpose!!! For how long??? OMG - I really am crazy! I've relapsed more times then I care to  admit over the years, but I was finally at a point where I accepted the changes my body has made - NO  I don't always agree with my body - but I will say "the girls" are still perky and fabulous and I can still rock that hourglass shape ....its just I've added bigger curves - and that's ok (well most days).  I no longer focus on the numbers of the scale (or at least try not to), the hubs has drilled into my head that its not the numbers on the scale but the way you feel, the way your clothes feel and yada yada yada , and I feel pretty good - yeah I'd like to be thinner but who wouldn't - I no longer let it control my life ....I finally felt in control! Its taken us being together for 20 years to finally let that be what I repeat in my head instead of focusing on the numbers of the scale which I usually don't even get on.  For the record .....I've never been "allowed" to own a scale until  about 5 years ago was when we finally got one! I was to obsessive (yes me shocker I know)  and let it totally control what or if I ate for the day! It was a viscous cycle, so not owning a scale was a better option for me and my mental well being. 

Needless to say this single comment has put me in a total tail spin, for the rest of the day, week, month probably the next year until I have to go back to her...... well wait ......I think I'll be looking for a new doctor , maybe one with a better bedside manner!!!  And the doctor can take her BMI Chart and shove it right up her ................
well you know! 


I ended my last blog entry in August ....yes August 2016 with ........WTF? WTF? WTF?  I'm going to try to homeschool, and hope to hell I can teach him something other then "Pepper-isms"! I haven't yet figured out when we actually do this "homeschool" thing, since I have this J-O-B thing I go to.......but we'll figure it out! 

Well I can say that this has been an epic fail in my parenting skills, we never figured it out, everyday I still wonder WTF?? The Prince turned 16 in April, and I withdrew him from homeschool just yesterday and will be signing him up to take his GED. When will that be? I have no idea, my guess is when I can get him to leave the house, I mentioned it yesterday and he went into hiding ....so yeah it wont be soon. Is it an ideal plan? Nope - but its the only one I've got right now. For those that keep asking but then what? I don't freaking know......And for the record just so we are clear .......... continuing to ask me, doesn't help. I judge myself more than you can ever image, so you can stop, there really is no need for it, I am doing it for the both of us - so don't you worry ....I got this!

Oh sorry - that little rant was a long time in the making ........and probably why I haven't written in so long! But I've learned a few things this year, you're never going to please everyone, not everyone is always going to like you, they aren't always going to be on your side and that's okay - its truly their loss ~ and besides I really miss writing, and for the two people that may read this nonsense, I bet they miss me to!

It's not how I thought things would turn out. I had a hard time with the Prince turning 16, I had leaky eyes for weeks before, during and after ( and yes still) this milestone. The leaky eyes were more like flood gates, all I could think was this isn't how I thought it would be, he should be experiencing things like getting a drivers licenses, going to prom, homecoming, girlfriends and getting a J-O-B. 

I've watched in envy from the sidelines of Facebook and life as everyone has celebrated these milestones their kids have made this year from sports, boyfriends, girlfriends, proms, homecomings getting their licenses and now graduations. Don't get me wrong I celebrated with you, I cheered when you cheered, I ohhhh and ahhh at every photo and story I read. I admire that you've got this parenting gig down. I'm not the jealous type, I've never looked at someone's life and said "oh I wish that was my life" because let's face it, life isn't always greener on the other side of the grass, usually it's spray painted. But I find myself jealous of those milestones that you are so proudly posting ( which you should be proud! I sure as hell would be too- hell I'm proud when the Prince takes a shower and uses soap and shampoo) I find that I'm jealous that not just you but your gem will have those memories forever. I hope that someday things will change, the Prince will grow into the amazing young man I know he is and he to will experience these things....until then I will live vicariously through you on Facebook.

Over the past year I've looked back over my blog post trying to figure out where I went wrong, I need to remember some of the things I actually write - because let's face it - some of it is good advice that I spew out, like why does it have to be something I did wrong, why can't I accept the fact that the Prince is wired differently than others? It's true, I know it's true and yet .......there still that nagging in the back of my head, that forever ongoing internal conversation in my head that just keeps asking why.......why is it like this? And those judg-y ass people peering over in my lane....I got this ...no need to help with the constant clutter in my head.

I wrote an open letter to the Prince on his birthday (it's posted below) I printed it out and stuck it in his birthday card, the Prince isn't much on expressing emotions, but when I later went into his room, he looked up at me, tapped the letter smiled at me and touched his heart and the letter again and went back to doing his thing, while to most that wouldn't seem like much, but to me it meant the world. He gets it .....and really in the end that's who matters.

Do I know what's next? Nope I have no clue, I'll just put one foot in front of the other and keep going and that's all I got! Now all those judg-y folks just stay in your lane or risk the chance of me running you over ~

Open letter to the Prince........
To my baby bouncing boy who is now towering over me, I want you to know I love you with all my heart (even on those days I want to string you up by your toes which…………. is often).  16 years ago you came into this world all on your own terms, arriving 4 weeks earlier than expected, I mean hey I still had shopping to do, but no way did you want to wait and cook a little longer!! You flew out of that oven within 20 minutes of that first push and it’s been a hell of an adventure ever since! 
I remember my first teacher conference at preschool when you were two years old, Ms. Kitty a 50 year veteran, told me “He’s such a leader, he will do great things, but right now, I need him to follow me and understand I am the leader”, I heard the same statement from many teachers over the years, all followed by how incredible brilliant you are, and that you will do great things in life. You’re smart, witty, handsome, and full of untapped potential, someday I hope you see that too.
In 16 years I have learned so much from you and about you. I know that there is always a Plan B, C, even Z and sometimes, we start over with a 1, 2 or 3. There is always another path, even if it's the road less traveled. Just because it’s what everyone else is doing, doesn’t make it right for you. I’m learning that you should take the path in which your vision allows you to see what you do have, instead of what we wished you had. Leave that other path unexplored. Don’t give it one more second of your precious time or energy.  It’s not an easy lesson to learn, but we grow most from our challenges and roadblocks. So we now learn to embrace it and lean in for the ride.
I’ve learned that you can’t force a square peg in a round hole or vice versa no matter how hard you try. I’ve learned that there is no such thing as “normal” and why should there be, we are all unique and shouldn’t be compared to what we think “normal” looks like, because honestly who knows what that is! I’ve learned that sometimes, you just have to step back and take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, and one minute at a time. I have learned that not everyone will understand or approve of the choices we make, and the things we do, and that’s ok, they don’t have to. I’ve learned that you’re going to trip and fall occasionally, but that we just dust ourselves off and stand again. Maybe that internal compass will malfunction and you’ll lose your way, but we just look for another path to take as we dust ourselves off and stand again.
One day I hope that you will see you’ve got places to go, things to do, lives to touch, miracles to make. I promise you’ll see things differently someday, everything will be brighter, better, full of options that you hadn’t noticed before and when you do, just know that we will still be standing by your side, cheering you on. In the end I know you will do great things, they will be on your own terms as with everything you do in life.
I hope someday you will look back and remember all these lessons that you have taught me and know that it’s a miracle…………. you survived your childhood without me stringing you up by your toes!
Happy 16th Birthday to my little Prince Charming ~


Now What?

I'm waiting for my big break in life, you know where that rainbow in the sky will shine down on me, the birds will chirp (far away from me because I actually hate birds. That whole flying thing they do ... really creeps me out) the squirrels will break out onto a song and dance and all will be right in the world. Because at some point its going to click with Prince Charming.......right? I mean come on - seriously- it has to?? Apparently I am still waiting for that big break ....... the vet tech program was not it. We lasted 6 whole days in class, yes as in 1,2,3,4,5, and 6 - where he never spoke to the teacher, maybe mumbled a few words here and there, but I doubt she even heard them.  I had high hopes that his love of animals would outweigh his anxiety, sadly it did not. And its okay, I'm trying to be patient and learn more about anxiety, and understand.  I think it sucks-ass royally, but I know its real. Once the teacher started moving them into groups, to work together, to develop presentations to present to the class it was all down hill from there. I guess its better to know now, before we ended up with a pet goat or something n my backyard!

So what's next ? Yep that's what I keep asking myself! I wish I had an answer for myself but oddly I am quiet! I'd like to think I am reflecting on things, but nope I'm not, I just keep having my own pity party in my head and repeating "WTF? WTF? WTF? "   I'm going to try to homeschool, and hope to hell I can teach him something other then "Pepper-isms"! I haven't yet figured out when we actually do this "homeschool" thing, since I have this J-O-B thing I go to.......but we'll figure it out!