BMI Chart - Suck It

Do you ever stop and think WHY am I doing this? Like for example …….. Why am I folding my bra and panties as I strip down to my birthday suit and WHY am I now hiding them under my pants and shirt on top of  the chair! Yep - you guessed it, it’s that time of year and I’m at the doctors for my annual “hoo hah” exam and I’m hiding my bra and panties ……why? I mean really the doc is going to be up close and personal with the “hoo –hah” and but no …….she can’t see my unmentionables? I put on my fashionable gown which of course has to go forward facing, because well, she also has to feel up or as they say …..inspect the girls. So there I sit in my most vulnerable state, naked as a jaybird but now wearing a lovely “front facing” plaid gown, which totally clashes with my red beaded necklace and I wait for that knock at the door ……….

Knock ……Enter stage left – the door opens and in walks my doctor. She complements how great my hair looks and how she loves the style it’s cut in – Oh how sweet I think (and I must agree my I was having a good hair day) ……and then she goes in for the kill. She flips a piece of paper over and shows me my weight chart the past few years to let me know I am now in the obese rage according to my height and weight WTF? Am I being punked??  My heart stops, and it takes everything I have in me not to start screaming obscenities at her, and I feel the latch on the flood gates start to pry open, as if I don’t know that I have gained weight over the past few years WTF??
The doc keeps waving the chart around to tell me that I need to exercise more and eat less and stop drinking sodas. Ummm okay wait lets back the bus up (right over her fat head) I do work out, plus we walk the furkids almost every night (and hasn’t she heard I am the FitBit Step Nazi) I don’t eat THAT much and I don’t even drink sodas!!! As she continues to wave this lovely graph in my face she said I was at a good weight in 2013 – I need to do whatever I was doing back then because what I’m doing now clearly isn’t working. I looked at her and said I was taking diet pills that you yelled at me for taking and you told me NOT to take because they could kill me! Humm should I go back to those because clearly I was doing it right back then!! You just said so yourself!! Well that put a stop to her waving the chart in my face, now she has placed it on my purse, like it’s my fucking prize for coming to the doctors!
We finish my exam of the nether regions at least that gets a glowing review, she tells me to cut out this and that and up my cardio to try to lose some of this weight……………yeah thanks doc go ruin some other poor saps soul – but hey at least I’m having a good hair day.
My (soon to be former) doctor knows my medical history, I have seen her for over 20 + years, she knows I have struggled with bulimia and body dysmorphia since I was in about the 7th grade all the way until I was pregnant at 27 with the Prince! I think being pregnant helped me see the light - I cant say it cured me of being bulimic because you never really are cured from an eating disorder, but it did make me wonder WTF I was doing, because when I was pregnant, every morning, noon and night my feet hit the floor I was throwing up! I know gross - but that's when it hit me......I did this on purpose!!! For how long??? OMG - I really am crazy! I've relapsed more times then I care to  admit over the years, but I was finally at a point where I accepted the changes my body has made - NO  I don't always agree with my body - but I will say "the girls" are still perky and fabulous and I can still rock that hourglass shape ....its just I've added bigger curves - and that's ok (well most days).  I no longer focus on the numbers of the scale (or at least try not to), the hubs has drilled into my head that its not the numbers on the scale but the way you feel, the way your clothes feel and yada yada yada , and I feel pretty good - yeah I'd like to be thinner but who wouldn't - I no longer let it control my life ....I finally felt in control! Its taken us being together for 20 years to finally let that be what I repeat in my head instead of focusing on the numbers of the scale which I usually don't even get on.  For the record .....I've never been "allowed" to own a scale until  about 5 years ago was when we finally got one! I was to obsessive (yes me shocker I know)  and let it totally control what or if I ate for the day! It was a viscous cycle, so not owning a scale was a better option for me and my mental well being. 

Needless to say this single comment has put me in a total tail spin, for the rest of the day, week, month probably the next year until I have to go back to her...... well wait ......I think I'll be looking for a new doctor , maybe one with a better bedside manner!!!  And the doctor can take her BMI Chart and shove it right up her ................
well you know! 


I ended my last blog entry in August ....yes August 2016 with ........WTF? WTF? WTF?  I'm going to try to homeschool, and hope to hell I can teach him something other then "Pepper-isms"! I haven't yet figured out when we actually do this "homeschool" thing, since I have this J-O-B thing I go to.......but we'll figure it out! 

Well I can say that this has been an epic fail in my parenting skills, we never figured it out, everyday I still wonder WTF?? The Prince turned 16 in April, and I withdrew him from homeschool just yesterday and will be signing him up to take his GED. When will that be? I have no idea, my guess is when I can get him to leave the house, I mentioned it yesterday and he went into hiding yeah it wont be soon. Is it an ideal plan? Nope - but its the only one I've got right now. For those that keep asking but then what? I don't freaking know......And for the record just so we are clear .......... continuing to ask me, doesn't help. I judge myself more than you can ever image, so you can stop, there really is no need for it, I am doing it for the both of us - so don't you worry ....I got this!

Oh sorry - that little rant was a long time in the making ........and probably why I haven't written in so long! But I've learned a few things this year, you're never going to please everyone, not everyone is always going to like you, they aren't always going to be on your side and that's okay - its truly their loss ~ and besides I really miss writing, and for the two people that may read this nonsense, I bet they miss me to!

It's not how I thought things would turn out. I had a hard time with the Prince turning 16, I had leaky eyes for weeks before, during and after ( and yes still) this milestone. The leaky eyes were more like flood gates, all I could think was this isn't how I thought it would be, he should be experiencing things like getting a drivers licenses, going to prom, homecoming, girlfriends and getting a J-O-B. 

I've watched in envy from the sidelines of Facebook and life as everyone has celebrated these milestones their kids have made this year from sports, boyfriends, girlfriends, proms, homecomings getting their licenses and now graduations. Don't get me wrong I celebrated with you, I cheered when you cheered, I ohhhh and ahhh at every photo and story I read. I admire that you've got this parenting gig down. I'm not the jealous type, I've never looked at someone's life and said "oh I wish that was my life" because let's face it, life isn't always greener on the other side of the grass, usually it's spray painted. But I find myself jealous of those milestones that you are so proudly posting ( which you should be proud! I sure as hell would be too- hell I'm proud when the Prince takes a shower and uses soap and shampoo) I find that I'm jealous that not just you but your gem will have those memories forever. I hope that someday things will change, the Prince will grow into the amazing young man I know he is and he to will experience these things....until then I will live vicariously through you on Facebook.

Over the past year I've looked back over my blog post trying to figure out where I went wrong, I need to remember some of the things I actually write - because let's face it - some of it is good advice that I spew out, like why does it have to be something I did wrong, why can't I accept the fact that the Prince is wired differently than others? It's true, I know it's true and yet .......there still that nagging in the back of my head, that forever ongoing internal conversation in my head that just keeps asking why.......why is it like this? And those judg-y ass people peering over in my lane....I got this need to help with the constant clutter in my head.

I wrote an open letter to the Prince on his birthday (it's posted below) I printed it out and stuck it in his birthday card, the Prince isn't much on expressing emotions, but when I later went into his room, he looked up at me, tapped the letter smiled at me and touched his heart and the letter again and went back to doing his thing, while to most that wouldn't seem like much, but to me it meant the world. He gets it .....and really in the end that's who matters.

Do I know what's next? Nope I have no clue, I'll just put one foot in front of the other and keep going and that's all I got! Now all those judg-y folks just stay in your lane or risk the chance of me running you over ~

Open letter to the Prince........
To my baby bouncing boy who is now towering over me, I want you to know I love you with all my heart (even on those days I want to string you up by your toes which…………. is often).  16 years ago you came into this world all on your own terms, arriving 4 weeks earlier than expected, I mean hey I still had shopping to do, but no way did you want to wait and cook a little longer!! You flew out of that oven within 20 minutes of that first push and it’s been a hell of an adventure ever since! 
I remember my first teacher conference at preschool when you were two years old, Ms. Kitty a 50 year veteran, told me “He’s such a leader, he will do great things, but right now, I need him to follow me and understand I am the leader”, I heard the same statement from many teachers over the years, all followed by how incredible brilliant you are, and that you will do great things in life. You’re smart, witty, handsome, and full of untapped potential, someday I hope you see that too.
In 16 years I have learned so much from you and about you. I know that there is always a Plan B, C, even Z and sometimes, we start over with a 1, 2 or 3. There is always another path, even if it's the road less traveled. Just because it’s what everyone else is doing, doesn’t make it right for you. I’m learning that you should take the path in which your vision allows you to see what you do have, instead of what we wished you had. Leave that other path unexplored. Don’t give it one more second of your precious time or energy.  It’s not an easy lesson to learn, but we grow most from our challenges and roadblocks. So we now learn to embrace it and lean in for the ride.
I’ve learned that you can’t force a square peg in a round hole or vice versa no matter how hard you try. I’ve learned that there is no such thing as “normal” and why should there be, we are all unique and shouldn’t be compared to what we think “normal” looks like, because honestly who knows what that is! I’ve learned that sometimes, you just have to step back and take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, and one minute at a time. I have learned that not everyone will understand or approve of the choices we make, and the things we do, and that’s ok, they don’t have to. I’ve learned that you’re going to trip and fall occasionally, but that we just dust ourselves off and stand again. Maybe that internal compass will malfunction and you’ll lose your way, but we just look for another path to take as we dust ourselves off and stand again.
One day I hope that you will see you’ve got places to go, things to do, lives to touch, miracles to make. I promise you’ll see things differently someday, everything will be brighter, better, full of options that you hadn’t noticed before and when you do, just know that we will still be standing by your side, cheering you on. In the end I know you will do great things, they will be on your own terms as with everything you do in life.
I hope someday you will look back and remember all these lessons that you have taught me and know that it’s a miracle…………. you survived your childhood without me stringing you up by your toes!
Happy 16th Birthday to my little Prince Charming ~