I Need your ID

Whew - it's been a long weekend...and by long...... I mean L-O-N-G!!! With Friday being a National Holiday ...aka Prince Charming's birthday, we have been on the go, go , go all weekend long with Busch Gardens on Friday, Go Kart Racing on Saturday, slumber party and a cookout on Sunday so the family could see the little Prince! Monday I will need to go back to work to rest!!

 Friday we were going over to Busch Gardens, hubster and I got dressed and ready and we waited...and waited ...and waited for the birthday boy to emerge from his room and be ready to go.... he emerged all right in his long sleeve brown ***** shirt and his green hoodie.....did I mention it was 90 degrees out and we were going to Busch Gardens? Usually at amusement parks, people are half naked, even when they should NOT be! My eye started to twitch and I had to head to my bedroom to grab a few orange rubber bands to complete my outfit.......you know so that I could snap the shit outta my wrist instead of start an argument with PC about how he would have a freaken heat stroke since it is HOT out and he is on long sleeves and a sweatshirt!!!!

 I thought maybe once we arrived he would come to his senses and at least take the hoodie off and leave it in the car, I was wrong! I did look at him and say "I better not hear even one time that you are HOT!" Hubster and I were surprised to see that PC was not the only jackass wearing long sleeves and a  hoodie ~ some of them even had jeans on ~ at least PC had on shorts....well because he doesn't even own a pair of pants!

 After we had had our fill of fun at Busch Gardens, and everyone (including us I am sure) was starting to stink, we headed back to the car to go have a late lunch, that would not require taking out a small loan.  As we sat down and relaxed in the nice cool a/c I ordered a "Watermelon Margarita" ahhh doesn"t that sound yummy and refreshing??
WAITER: "I need to see your ID"

Swimming in a Sea of Toes

OMG...SERIOUSLY... I think as I am in a the downward dog pose (really could be called Ass High pose)  and look up to realized that OMG....I am swimming in  a sea of toes......yes TOES people. .... EWWW not just your dirty toes ......but "camel toes"! Yep that's right, the hubster and I went back to yoga class for class # 2 out of 5 that we have! And if you missed my first experience with yoga ~ you can catch up here!!!

So off to the back of the class hubster and I go, after all I don't want people making fun of my ass in yoga pants! And here is yet another tips on yoga pants.... ... One should NOT wear light color yoga pants....just remember  that black in slimming.... even down there in the nether regions ~ and light colored yoga pants.....not so much!!!

That's when it hit me!! I had to stop myself  from the giggle fest that was building up in my throat!!!

Photo: Holy shitballs! Are you F’ing kidding me? Have you seen this?! One of you is my hero and brought this to my attention. It’s called the Cuchini Camel Toe pad. Let me repeat— Camel. Toe. Pad. As you can imagine, my mind is imploding with thoughts right now. 

1. Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! 

2. In case you don’t know what camel toe is, it’s what happens when your pants are too tight and they ride up your hoo-ha so everyone can see your genital crack and it looks like the F’ing toe of a camel. Yes, I got that from Webster’s Dictionary. 

3. Okay, call me cray cray but I always assumed that people who had this camel toe problem didn’t know they had it. I mean who the hell knowingly walks out of their house with their pants going up their vajayjay? 

4. The amazon ad keeps talking about how “a frontal wedgie” is like the most common wardrobe problem. A. Frontal wedgie— milk just came out my nose! And B. Seriously? Because if it were, they’d be selling this shit at Tarjay. Or maybe at Victoria’s Secret but it’d say something on the front like “remove before tapping.” 

5. I gotta wonder about all those women who always look so put together like Michelle Obama and Kate Middleton. Or the people on the red carpet. Do you think they’re all wearing camel toe pads? If so I’d feel a little better about it. Nahhh, that’s bullshit, no I wouldn’t. 

6. Okay, this is the only review that’s up on Amazon so far: “This does work in hiding that embarrassing camel toe, but I wish it was thinner. You can see the outline of it with your swim suit on. Overall it gets the job done and to me it's better to be able to see the cuchini outline rather than a camel toe!”

No no no no no no no! Seeing the cuchini pad outline IS JUST AS BAD as seeing camel toe. Correction, IT’S WORSE. ‘Cause basically you’re admitting that you KNOW you have camel toe. Please, for the love of God, go to the store and buy a new bathing suit that doesn’t ride up your vajayjay. 

7. Cuchini? Ahhhhhh, it’s like they took the word coochie and said now how to we make it sound classy? I know! Let’s make it sound Italian! Le coochie? No. Il cucchi? No. Cuchini. Yes! 

8. I want to know, if you’re at a club and looking all awesome and shit because your camel toe pad is preventing a frontal wedgie, and you meet this beefy meathead and go back to his crib to hook up, when do you remove your camel toe pad? I mean, do you wait until he finds it and he’s like WTF is this, a vagina pad to make your hoo-ha look smoother? Or do you stealthily go to the bathroom and remove it and pray when you walk out of the bathroom that he doesn’t see your frontal wedgie and get turned off? Or is he feeling you down over your panties and is he like where the hell is your crack? 

8. OMG, do you know what this makes you look like?! One of those Barbie dolls who just has a smooth plastic area where her crack should be?! Okay that’s just creepy. 

9. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Yeah, I know I said this already, but it’s important enough to say twice.I thought OMG this would be the perfect place that one should wear a "Cuchini ~ The Camel Toe Pad" and no folks I am not making this shit up!! I read it on  "Baby SideBurns Facebook Post"   look for the April 6th post ~ friggen hysterical! As is everything she writes!!!

So there I am suppose to be all calm and relaxed, thinking there is no way, I will survive this class with all these "colorful toes" watching me! I must have looked confused in yet another tortured pose as the cute little instructor~ who by the way is the only person who looks amazing in these stupid ass yoga pants... but why wouldn't she ?? After all she teaches yoga like 10 times a day!!!

Just Mudding Around

Mud Crusade 2012
Usually when I ask the hubster "Does this make me look fat?" or "Does this print  make my ass look big" he instantly says "No" mind you he is usually asleep on the couch (meaning his eyes are closed) or he is on the computer and could not even tell you what frigging print I am wearing ~and if that said print is making my ass look big or not because that my friends.......... would require him to actually look up and see!!! This morning he almost gave himself whiplash as I came around the corner  to announce that I thought my boobs were getting smaller ~  seriously I think I actually heard the snap in his neck as he whipped his head up to check out the situation! Sadly for him, the girls had already been locked and loaded into the sports bar and topped off with a tank top, cant have the girls jumping out or anything while we go and play in the mud!

Pull Up A Chair

" He is so bright, sweet and smart. He will not be a follower ~ that is for sure! He will be such a Leader in life.....later in life, yes later in life is when he needs to be the Leader, right now he needs to be the follower......and follow me and my directions and remember that I am the Leader.....not him!" This conversation rings in my ears often,  that was my 1st teacher parent conference with Ms. Kitty, late 60's , about 4 foot 9, retired school teacher,  when the little Prince Charming (PC) was in the 3 years old room in preschool.

So I went to my 1st teacher parent conference at the new school , and I braced myself before I went in since usually my conferences over his school career would usually end up with "PC doesn't do this, he doesn't do that". When this one started with " He is really a bright young man, it's amazing to see how his mind works, and the wheels are turning." Everything she had to say was positive, I even take this statement as positive" He sure is opinionated, but he is now not getting as annoyed with the other  kids and their quirks" Hummm, yep that sums it up, that totally sounds like him opinionated.
We started to discuss the upcoming goal day, which happens to be on PC's birthday, he will be 12 going on 42.


When you have a doctors appointment do you go in with a list of questions and concerns that you'd like to ask? Suddenly when the gyno walks in all those questions fly out of your mind as you notice her hands and where those such hands will be poking around. As she soaps up and asks how you are, what's new in your life? Snaps on the gloves and  then has you "scootch" down to the bottom of the table, legs up and say AHHHHHHH!

So why is it in this position does she continue the small talk? How is the family? How many kids? Work? Are you exercising? Eating right? I am sure she must think I am rude as I keep my answers to one word  or less meaning a mere grunt. I mean HELLO??? Shouldn't you be concentrating down there as your elbow deep in my junk?? Suddenly all those questions I had are no where to be found. She pops her head up and out from under the veil and  offer me her hand so I can slide back up, umm she was wearing gloves before right??? I quick scan the rest of her hand OMG is her watch and ring still on?? Oh yeah there it is! And um those gloves would be where???

The Doc: "Alrighty than, everything looks good, since you don't have any questions I'll see ya next year! And out the door she goes...GEEZZZZ...... I didnt even get breakfast or a lousy cup of coffee!

They had me until UMMMMMMMMMM

So we went to yoga last night to the slow flow class ..........great class, really nice people, love the instructor, and the hubster really liked it. After all it was his idea to go~ so it’s a good thing he liked it

My thought about yoga….

1. It reminds me of a cult

2. Not everyone is meant to wear yoga pants.... especially with writing on the back of them ~ really at age 5 you shouldn’t have anything written across your ass
3. You should wear longer shirts to go OVER the yoga pants so not to show off your t-backs and tramp stamp tattoo ~ .not judging since I have both, but saw more than my fair share last night since we were in the back of the class and you cant help but to notice in a downward dog pose

4. Before leaving home make sure the bottom of your feet are clean…. And you don’t have funk between the toes ~
5. Some poses make you look like a beached whale (or could have been the yoga pants) either way…refer to tip number 3 since you will most definitely have people starting at the bottoms of your feet

6. Some poses are a serious WTF kinda pose –that makes your body make some WTF noises from unknown areas....... really who names these things?? And the hubster thinks “chair pose” should require a CHAIR

7. I am much to ADD for them to turn off the lights and tell you to relax…. And do some deep breathing ~ right pretty sure that the deep breathing was snoring …

It was a great workout, but I can do without the lights out and nap time! Although that was clearly the hubster’s most favorite part! As for me after about 3 minutes I was sitting up for what seemed like an eternity waiting for them to all wake up! One lady even had a blanket on, was she planning on sleeping there? Some had on eye masks…okay people your in a dark room at 9pm… do you really need your eye mask? I was chomping at the bit to get up and out! No need to linger I can rest at home on my own floor!!!

And then there is the big ending of “UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM” …..that was so loud, I actually jumped a little! Who knows maybe I will learn to relax, and find all that inner peace, spiritual stuff that they babble while your doing all those ridiculous poses…..but for now I will just try and contain my giggles.