Now What?

I'm waiting for my big break in life, you know where that rainbow in the sky will shine down on me, the birds will chirp (far away from me because I actually hate birds. That whole flying thing they do ... really creeps me out) the squirrels will break out onto a song and dance and all will be right in the world. Because at some point its going to click with Prince Charming.......right? I mean come on - seriously- it has to?? Apparently I am still waiting for that big break ....... the vet tech program was not it. We lasted 6 whole days in class, yes as in 1,2,3,4,5, and 6 - where he never spoke to the teacher, maybe mumbled a few words here and there, but I doubt she even heard them.  I had high hopes that his love of animals would outweigh his anxiety, sadly it did not. And its okay, I'm trying to be patient and learn more about anxiety, and understand.  I think it sucks-ass royally, but I know its real. Once the teacher started moving them into groups, to work together, to develop presentations to present to the class it was all down hill from there. I guess its better to know now, before we ended up with a pet goat or something n my backyard!

So what's next ? Yep that's what I keep asking myself! I wish I had an answer for myself but oddly I am quiet! I'd like to think I am reflecting on things, but nope I'm not, I just keep having my own pity party in my head and repeating "WTF? WTF? WTF? "   I'm going to try to homeschool, and hope to hell I can teach him something other then "Pepper-isms"! I haven't yet figured out when we actually do this "homeschool" thing, since I have this J-O-B thing I go to.......but we'll figure it out!

Perfect Parent ....Epic Fail

Have you ever filled out a job application and lied? You know maybe fudged a tad on years or level of experience? Yes, that’s what I feel like I have done, I have lied on my application for parenting, being pregnant for 9 months, reading mounds of parenting books, life experience does NOT qualify you as a good parent, or even capable parent. 

You have all these set goals and expectations in your head and you know you’ll do great, then they hand you that bundle of joy and you’re like now what the hell do I do now? All that planning and reading, and observing what others do (that you secretly judge in your head and say you won’t do) …………yet there you are doing those same things you vowed never to do! I have no doubt I was a perfect parent…..right up until that moment they handed me that bundle of joy! If I ever secretly judge you ..... I'm sorry, I'm an asshole , and have no clue what I'm doing.....even now.
Fast forward 15 years and I’m still thinking WTF Every. Single. Day.

Maybe someone should come and fire me! I am clearly not qualified to do this parenting gig. Maybe I spent to much time with my head in the glitter, hangingout with the unicorns, but I'm back to square one. I'm back to running in a dark tunnel searching for the light and the way out. The Prince is back to not leaving the house, sleeping all day up all night, and back to school refusal , which BTW starts in 6 days!!! 
Hubster made a comment the other day and said "where did we go wrong"? That  question has replayed over and over in my head for years,....,what could I have done differently? What did I do wrong, but then I thought about it, let the words roll through my head and thought .....what if it wasn't something we did? What if it's just the way he is wired? Just because he doesn't fit into that profile of a " typical, normal, teenager" .....why does it mean he's wrong? Why does that have to be something that I did wrong? Why am I upset he just wants to stay home and read, or play games on his computer. When there are kids his age or younger, that are in trouble with the law, shooting each other and doing horrible things, and I'm worried because he .......he what? What's to be left alone so he can read? We worry he wont have a childhood or memories like we did back in the day, but then again we live in a different world today.

Over the last few years, I've waved my white flag, I've surrender over and over, and just tried to figure out WTF I am doing, what I'm going to do next, and how I am going to make it work. Well I'm doing it again. I'm waving the white flag, I've  enrolled him (yes again) in homeschool, signed him up for a vet tech program, and I'm just winging it at this point and I have no FRIGGEN idea if this will work or not, but I have to try. 
Who knows maybe this will be our next great adventure........... or maybe it will be the reason the Prince becomes that smell in the back yard or the reason I wear prison orange. But I have binged watched all 4 seasons of  "Orange is the new Black" so I got this - prison thing covered. I'm sure its just like TV. If anything it will give me a reason to write more often!

P.S. I have no idea why I am having formatting issues .or why I was locked out of my own blog . I mean really if you want to steal my identity take ALL that comes with it!!!! Yeah - that's what I thought -