Swimming in a Sea of Toes

OMG...SERIOUSLY... I think as I am in a the downward dog pose (really could be called Ass High pose)  and look up to realized that OMG....I am swimming in  a sea of toes......yes TOES people. .... EWWW not just your dirty toes ......but "camel toes"! Yep that's right, the hubster and I went back to yoga class for class # 2 out of 5 that we have! And if you missed my first experience with yoga ~ you can catch up here!!!

So off to the back of the class hubster and I go, after all I don't want people making fun of my ass in yoga pants! And here is yet another tips on yoga pants.... ... One should NOT wear light color yoga pants....just remember  that black in slimming.... even down there in the nether regions ~ and light colored yoga pants.....not so much!!!

That's when it hit me!! I had to stop myself  from the giggle fest that was building up in my throat!!!

Photo: Holy shitballs! Are you F’ing kidding me? Have you seen this?! One of you is my hero and brought this to my attention. It’s called the Cuchini Camel Toe pad. Let me repeat— Camel. Toe. Pad. As you can imagine, my mind is imploding with thoughts right now. 

1. Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! 

2. In case you don’t know what camel toe is, it’s what happens when your pants are too tight and they ride up your hoo-ha so everyone can see your genital crack and it looks like the F’ing toe of a camel. Yes, I got that from Webster’s Dictionary. 

3. Okay, call me cray cray but I always assumed that people who had this camel toe problem didn’t know they had it. I mean who the hell knowingly walks out of their house with their pants going up their vajayjay? 

4. The amazon ad keeps talking about how “a frontal wedgie” is like the most common wardrobe problem. A. Frontal wedgie— milk just came out my nose! And B. Seriously? Because if it were, they’d be selling this shit at Tarjay. Or maybe at Victoria’s Secret but it’d say something on the front like “remove before tapping.” 

5. I gotta wonder about all those women who always look so put together like Michelle Obama and Kate Middleton. Or the people on the red carpet. Do you think they’re all wearing camel toe pads? If so I’d feel a little better about it. Nahhh, that’s bullshit, no I wouldn’t. 

6. Okay, this is the only review that’s up on Amazon so far: “This does work in hiding that embarrassing camel toe, but I wish it was thinner. You can see the outline of it with your swim suit on. Overall it gets the job done and to me it's better to be able to see the cuchini outline rather than a camel toe!”

No no no no no no no! Seeing the cuchini pad outline IS JUST AS BAD as seeing camel toe. Correction, IT’S WORSE. ‘Cause basically you’re admitting that you KNOW you have camel toe. Please, for the love of God, go to the store and buy a new bathing suit that doesn’t ride up your vajayjay. 

7. Cuchini? Ahhhhhh, it’s like they took the word coochie and said now how to we make it sound classy? I know! Let’s make it sound Italian! Le coochie? No. Il cucchi? No. Cuchini. Yes! 

8. I want to know, if you’re at a club and looking all awesome and shit because your camel toe pad is preventing a frontal wedgie, and you meet this beefy meathead and go back to his crib to hook up, when do you remove your camel toe pad? I mean, do you wait until he finds it and he’s like WTF is this, a vagina pad to make your hoo-ha look smoother? Or do you stealthily go to the bathroom and remove it and pray when you walk out of the bathroom that he doesn’t see your frontal wedgie and get turned off? Or is he feeling you down over your panties and is he like where the hell is your crack? 

8. OMG, do you know what this makes you look like?! One of those Barbie dolls who just has a smooth plastic area where her crack should be?! Okay that’s just creepy. 

9. Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Yeah, I know I said this already, but it’s important enough to say twice.I thought OMG this would be the perfect place that one should wear a "Cuchini ~ The Camel Toe Pad" and no folks I am not making this shit up!! I read it on  "Baby SideBurns Facebook Post"   look for the April 6th post ~ friggen hysterical! As is everything she writes!!!

So there I am suppose to be all calm and relaxed, thinking there is no way, I will survive this class with all these "colorful toes" watching me! I must have looked confused in yet another tortured pose as the cute little instructor~ who by the way is the only person who looks amazing in these stupid ass yoga pants... but why wouldn't she ?? After all she teaches yoga like 10 times a day!!!

As she effortlessly squats down and says "so what are you thinking? "

Me: Hummmmm what a I thinking? Well lets see....I'm thinking that every woman  in here could use a "Cuchini ~ Camel Toe Pad" (except her of course),
I'm thinking I should buy up a bunch and triple the price and bring them to class and point out WHY one should be wearing it!!! Hello Gray pants...you may need 2!!
 I'm thinking there has to be a speaker in here there is no way this lady next to me is breathing that loud ....so where the hell is that sound coming from???
I'm thinking that  the sweating old  guy should really put his shirt back on because ........well ewww!!!
I'm thinking where the *&^%$ do  they get these *&^%$ poses from?
I'm thinking ...OMG is this class almost over?? I wouldn't know because there is no friggen clock in here!!!
I'm thinking.... can you make it any hotter in here?? Oh shit.. wait..... that was not a challenge!!!
I'm thinking......oh yeah I'm thinking .....I should probably say something out loud so she will stop looking at me like I'm crazy!!!

I just smiled and shrugged my shoulders and mutter I have a headache!

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