Once we arrived, I whipped the door to the hospital room open, and it literally knocked the wind out of my sail, I closed it again, looked at Mama Pepper and said "This cant be right, that's not him". There was my dad, sleeping, looking like a frail old man. In the 3 months since my last visit, he aged 100 years. When we opened the door back up, and I took my hand and touched his bony shoulder to wake him, his eyes popped open, he looked confused and then sat up in the bed and said "I have cancer". I just looked at him for a moment and then he continued, "its in my spine, its in my lungs, its in my kidneys, and in my bones". I went to speak and when no words came out, my daddy, the frail old man looking back at me, said "Its okay youngin', I'll beat this. I don't want you to worry".
These last 4 weeks, have been a series of test, biopsies, a collapsed lung and 8 rounds radiation to his spine, which is crumbling from the bone cancer. After 3 1/2 weeks in the hospital, they sent my dad home. He was happy to be home but the pain is constant, there is no relief, and yet he still says to me "I don't want you to worry". I am now the adult in charge, I keep looking around, waiting for the real adult to show up and take over, but they haven't, so I guess I can fake it til I make it.
After collecting his medical records, I poured over there searching for my questions to be answered, questions I asked my daddy and he would say " I don't know, they haven't told me, don't worry youngin' I'll be fine". I found a few words I understand, like stage 4, googled the rest - which I do not recommend googling big medical words, they just seem scarier. I called in a favor at work, gave the medical records to one of the top surgeons, I need the "Dummies Version" of these! I just need to know what are we facing, I need to know how bad is this, and what do I do. He was so kind, and sat and read all the reports, asked me questions and in the end told me that I should take measures to make my dad comfortable, his cancer has spread so rapidly, that there is no cure, chemo will not help, it will only prolong the pain, he has maybe a few months at best. I think my heart stopped, I was very brave as Mama Pepper has that no crying rule, which I normally suck at, but I put my brave face on and thanked him for reviewing everything. I did sob like a baby when he left, but I already knew it wasn't good, but my daddy keeps saying "Don't worry youngin', I'll be fine".
I went to my dad's 1st follow up appointment this week since he was released from the hospital, I had the medical binder I put together, it contains all my dad's info, all my notes, all my legal paperwork as I am officially the adult in charge, I did look around, to see if the real adult would show up, but they did not. The doctor wants to start chemo next week, I gasped when he suggested that and questioned him on everything, asked to explain the benefits, the side effects, the survival rate, he is stage 4 through out his entire body, his bones are crumbling and at a moments notice he could turn the wrong way and end up snapping his spine and end up paralyzed. My dad agreed he would try it and then if he felt it made things worse he wanted to do palliative care and hospice. He looked over at me, the adult in charge, and said "Don't worry youngin' I'll be fine. I am ready to go home now".
At first I thought maybe my dad doesn't realize or understand, how bad it is. Maybe its the pain meds? How can he think its going to be ok? How can he think there is anyway out of this? And then I think what is wrong with me? Why am I not more positive he will find his way and "everything will be fine"? I can see that with every breathe he takes in and out, he is in pain, every move or shift he is in pain. I feel guilt, because I haven't been there like I should, Life is busy, with work, and life, I feel guilt that he doesn't really know the Prince like I knew my grand-daddy, because he doesn't understand the issues he has, I should have tried harder when he would decline coming down for holidays, I should have fought harder to make time to get over there to check on him. I should have done more.
Tonight I called to check on my dad and he wanted to tell me he talked to the doctor and they told him that there is no cure for what he has, and he does not want to do chemo, he has made the decision to have me, the adult in charge, set him up for hospice, he wants to go pain free, he wants everyone to know this was his decision, and this is what he wants to do, and in typical my daddy fashion he ended the conversation with "Don't worry youngin', I'll be fine". And for the first time, in 4 weeks, I felt a relief, I felt like he really knew what he was saying, he understood his diagnoses and he was at peace with it. I felt sadness, knowing that he doesn't have much time left, I am hopeful that he will pass peacefully in his sleep with no regrets and no pain.
I have watched friends and family lose their parents and my heart breaks for them. I know its never easy to lose a loved one, I have lost many, as I've watched others do the same. I never realized it would be a different heartache, one that takes a part of your breathe with the thought that the end is near. My daddy is ready, he is calm, his mind is sharp, he is certain, this is his decision and once he makes his mind up, there is no changing it. which tells me that this tremendous pain he is suffering with, has gone on much longer than he admits.
I know that he will be fine, because he has told me so..........At some point, I hope the adult in charge shows up and takes over, until then I will try to be strong and brave, and remember Mama Pepper's rule of no crying ~
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