How old do I have to be........

"How old do I have to be before I can cuss?"this is one of the many questions that have been asked this week by Prince Charming! He's 8 ! He'd also like to know when he can smoke a cigar, drink a beer and have a sniper rifle.....again let me repeat he's 8! While he took my answer of 21 for the having a a beer and a cigar, he's miffed by the fact he can't get a sniper rifle at this time....not a plastic kid one ....no of course not he wants a REAL one ...oh but don't worry he won't put any bullets in it! America's Most Wanted here we come!

The even longer discussion is why he can't cuss, well can't I just say the "H" word......distracting dad (hubby) while he is working he continues with the endless "Dad please can I just say the "H" word, Kaela says it (she's 8 too, and sings a song that has it) after endless bugging I guess hubby made the mistake of sayen yes only around Kaela. So P.C comes running back to me in the other room with "Ha ha dad said I can say the "H' word...dad said so NAH! " My response was sure say it if you'd like a bar of soap jammed in your teeth! " "But dad said! " Finally before I was transformed into a arguing 8 year old I just walked away......but I will have the bar of soap at hand , no matter what "Dad says."

When we made it home last night after saying farewell to our friends...P.C. came home to report to hubby that "Zac" said the "A" word, the "F" word and he's only 6.....yes but his mother can make a sailor blush so it's no wonder they repeat it and he forgot to mention how she smacked his behind with a wooden spoon.........but he just wants to really say the "H" word....hell if I know ! I guess to complete his phrase....."What the.........."

While it wasn't my MIL this time around calling me a "slacker" it was the darling hubby, who said you need to update your blog! Really I think he just wants to see what my latest hubby bashing would be about....as if he didn't already know! While him and Prince Charming stoll in with a ball python....remeber earlier blogs where it was over my dead body .....all they musta heard was blah blah blah cause now in P.C's room we have "Padme" the hamster and "Snakie" the snake...really it's just a matter of how the food chain will work here at our house.......Cat eats hamster....snake eats cat? or Snake eats hamster then moves on to bigger things like the cat? Who knows? Not a big fan of snakes unless they are on my shoes or handbag....accessiores yes...pets...not so much!

I have really been in a funk the last few weeks, yes I believe that would be the technical term for it! I have slacked off so much in my workouts I now am sporting a muffin top! UGHHHHh that I blame on my gal pal Squirt who had me toss all my fat clothes cause and I quote..."You won't gain it back" that would be cause she isn't here as I stuff my face endlessly and avoid the gym like the plague! I think I have the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other with yes work out...no take a nap and eat.....obviously the winner would be the napping and eating part! Just a funk......and a perpetual black cloud that has been looming over me the last few weeks. But the good news is that I have decided no one can fix this but me....and a little lipo (that I can't afford) so I'll have to put my "big girl panties on" and stop whining! I'll keep blogging as my therapy, cause I'd most likely be committed if I went to an actual therapist and then who would save 'Padme" the hamster as she faces death ............trapped in the jaws of Tweeety bird my deranged cat who thinks it's a mid nite snack! Seriously I had to duct tape her cage shut, so she'd STOP escaping~!

Aliens vs Flying Pigs

I've been hiding out from "Howdy on Steroids" the last few days.....(really since I worked out on Thursday and wasn't able to walk for 3 days! ) I haven't been motivated since having my butt kicked very defeated by the used carsales man in Spandex! ughhhh I just need to get back on the saddle again or treadmill so to speak! But on the up side of things.......

I've looked outside but haven't seen any yet, but I am sure they are out there! Flying Pigs that is! Either that or Prince Charming has been abducted by aliens. Today he came home with 3 "A's" on his test, WOOOOOO WHOOOOO ! AND to top that he did his homework with NO whining! Sat down and had his homework done in under 30minutes! I don't see any neon green glow coming from his eyes so maybe he's not an alien, but I dunno! Of course there is a price of "Being Good" .....you got it! "Since I was so good, did my homework, didn't get written up in school, can I play the game" Gee I should know there is a price to be good! I gave in ..............I mean 3 "A's" that's impressive! My concern is the last few days is the teacher has been emailing me to test him for Gifted! She asked if I'd ever tested him for gifted.......ADD , ADHD YES Gifted NO! UGHHH I know , I know isn't that wonderful! NOT.........that mean's more homework! But who knows ..maybe he'll love doing homework and projects! Oh yes I am sure that is what will happen when the pigs fly ! Or maybe I'll be in luck and the aliens will have taken over completely! We'll have to see.......

"Howdy" On Steroids.....

While I was at the gym yesterday I had a brilliant thought and decided to sign up for my "FREE" personal training session at the gym! FREE is GOOD! So I enter and met "Justin" hunky trainer....not my tattoo covered "boyfriend" personal trainer from NC, but semi- hunky. Not really my cup of tea especially after the "torture session" I endured! I consider myself pretty fit, I go to the gym regularly and according to him....I'm not in very good shape ( hidden meaning will be revealed in a moment! ) . He wasn't making this any harder then he would for anyone of them....as he points to the 300 pound man huffing next to me on the treadmill....YEA my ass you aren't buddy! So I keep going knowing that by the time I am done I will be lucky to walk much less more my arms! We work out ...rather I workout as he pops his gum( something my mother DESPISES and now I know why) , checks himself out in the mirror, barks out give me 20 more squats....WTF is he thinking! I think I may see devil horns starting to appear! As a good little soldier I move on, following his commands as he keeps saying "I thought you work out? You must not push yourself. You are in need of a trainer full time!" really it's begining to sound like a brainwashing lecture more so then a training session! There goes my ego!
Finally the hour is up! Whooo WHO! So we go and sit at the table that he had me reveal my demons at ....what's your weight, height, what do you hate most about your body, how much do you want to lose, has me hold on to this little device that looks like a steering wheel an it tells me how much BODY FAT I have! Really like I can't just look in the mirror and see my muffin top over my jeans now I have to hold on to a steering wheel to tell me my body fat?

Fan-Tab-U- Lous another notch down on the ego!
So he jots down our "PLAN" the one he recommends is for 12 months training for 4 times a week.....for only $400.00 a MONTH! Seriously you think I need to train 4 times a week with your gum chewing , gum popping , mirror checken out ass! Oh but WAIT....if I can't do that due to time and all they have 3 times a week for 360.00 a month, 2 times a week for $300.00 yada yada yada! "So Pepper which plan works for you?" UMMMM NONE I'm jobless and your F^%$ING CRAZY! Which I mentally added no need to be nasty! The funny thing was now my hunky personal trainer had a cockeyed look of disbelief ( and is starting to look like a Howdy Dowdy on steroids) that I wasn't going to have an extra car payment in return I'd get a killer bum and abs? First born yeah....I may hand over Prince Charming ...but he'd be returned I am sure in a few hours! So I told "Howdy" that yeah I was here for the free session to get some new ideas .....and I'll think about training again when I am ...um gainfully employed! He still looked a tad annoyed so I stood and said Thanks and limped my way out to the car....remember squats...can hardly walk!

So home bound with my ego on a low...I came home and told the hubby that I know now HOW the gym that only charges 10.00 a month stays in business.......$400.00 a month for personal training! I whined to hubby about "how UNFIT I know was" I thought I was gonna die, how could someone who works out almost 5 times a week not be able to do that torture session......insert some more whining here......

As always the hubby had some in site to add since of course he thinks I'm perfect JUST the way I am...muffin top and all....(at least he better...he will now after reading this! ) He just looked at me and said" Personal Trainers are used Car Sales Men in SPANDEX! " Ahhhh now I feel better bring on the Oreos!

Mid-Stream Please....

Yes as I am on my way to the restroom with the little clear cup in hand from the doctor...he pokes his head in the hallway and says with a smile....."Don't forget.....Catch it in mid stream please!" Good lord, you men have it made, no prob-lemo there catching mid stream is a piece of cake, cause you all have the equipment to aim with! Us gals...not so much! Besides who invented peeing in a cup anyways......a man I am sure! I don't see why we can't just pee on a stick like we do with those pregnancy test .......a man thing I am sure! They wanna have something they can do better then we can do! BUT.....

I'm currently getting alotta practice with my so called aim....I am in a sleep study for none other then Isnomia! Yippie! Yep they are payen me to be there latest ginnie pig, taking their study meds, which I am actually sleeping quite nicely! As far as side effects , haven't noticed a third boob or extra toes so I must be okay! Actually one of the side effects is "Bigger Boobs" , so who knows maybe by Christmas I will be as big as Dolly herself! Merry Christmas Hubby!

As for everything I am still holding my current title as "Meanest Mom In The World" .......still no playstation although I hear him ask/whisper Dad EVERYDAY! "If I'm good can I have it back, I've been good today, can't you hook it up?Tell mom your hooking it up !"I guess he has learned not to ask me about it. The answer is "Over my dead body" and the way hubby looks I may very well be buried in the backyard by nightfall.....so if there are no more posting by the end of the week I am probably buried in the backyard under the elephant trees! So be sure to check there............