Dont worry Daddy, I'll be fine

I keep repeating the words, over and over again, "Don't worry Daddy, I'll be fine", to myself and to my dad, at some point it will be true.

It was Friday night 5 days ago, that my dad came to the decision that he would not suffer with chemo, he wanted palliative care and hospice set up, and pain management, so he could go pain free and peacefully. Saturday morning I went over and spent time with him, he was calm, clear and level headed. He would look over and say, "Don't worry younin', I'll be fine" I left him Saturday peacefully sleeping in his recliner. Sunday I went over and he had aged another 100 years, over night, he wasn't the peaceful man I left less than 24 hours prior, he was in a lot of pain, and just wanted us to go, so he could rest, I wasn't sure he'd make it through the night. By Monday I had arranged for Hospice to come and meet me at the house on Tuesday at 9AM. I had answered all the necessary questions, taken all the info down that she gave me, in my handy little binder that now contained every aspect of my daddy's medical history over the past 5 weeks, as I am the adult in charge. 37 minutes passed when I got the call that my daddy was back on his way to the hospital in an ambulance, off I rushed out the door to meet him there.

Mama Pepper, my rock , rode over with me,  I am fortune that they didn't have a nasty divorce, people may not understand the dynamics that the 3 of us have together, if they did, more divorced couples, would choose to be this way, especially when children are involved. Even now as the adult in charge, I need them both, in a way most don't understand.

When we arrived to the ER, it was then at that very moment that I became the real adult in charge, I couldn't wait for the real one to show up, they were late and I was it. I spoke to the first ER doc, who wanted to know his medical history, he asked hard questions, and told the truth that he only had a few hours or maybe a day or two to live. He helped me fill out a DNR, which I had to do 3 times, since I couldn't seem to get the names in the right location, because my eyes were leaky and I couldn't read the damn thing to fill it out. Finally he filled it out, held his finger where to sign and he signed below my name to make it official. When I heard my daddy screaming in pain, as several nurses gathered around trying to get a line in, to give medication, as he now has pneumonia, I went in and screamed for everyone to stop, and not touch my dad. Everything halted, and all stood there staring at me the little loud redhead, the adult in charge, standing there in the ER with all eyes on me. All 3 nurses fled the room while I ran to the glass window, tapping rapidly on it to get the other ER docs attention, I wanted him, the truth teller to come help me. He said another doctor was assigned to the case, that doctor, spoke to me like my daddy would be leaving the hospital to return home...... so clearly he was freaken crazy, no I needed the truth teller, and not the other guy he's an idiot. I refused and said that doesn't work for me, I need you to tell to these people to get him sedated and out of pain, before they do anything else. The idiot doctor resigned himself from being my dads doctor, as he doesn't do "comfort care", he's there to "cure people" ~~~~News flash ass-hat he's terminal, the cancer is eating him from the inside out, there is no curing him. He transferred his chart to another on the hospice wing. And for the record, not a fan of the next new guy, who also made mention that we could send my dad home when he felt better, clearly they are not looking at the same man I am laying in that bed, so I am only dealing with the hospice nurse, to handle his care, they understand. 

I had the hospice care transferred to the palliative care hospice wing at the hospital. Getting him settled as much as we could and letting him know, its okay you won't have to move from here, he seemed to relax some, they installed a morphine pump, and gave some other heavy duty drugs and he drifted off to sleep. By Tuesday everyone in the wing knew who I was, the little red head, the adult in charge, who has frequent melt downs, the moment I heard a moan come from my Dad, and that no crying rule that Mama Pepper has, has been suspended. I have the bed next to his so that I can sleep, I can cry, I can just lay there and watch him breathe, in and out, stop....I think finally he's at peace .......and then he starts all over again.

Tuesday was spent playing some of his favorite songs, and some of mine, that we'd sing together "Devil went down to Georgia" and "Another One Bites The Dust" we laughed hysterically at my suggestions, but we played them anyways, why wouldn't we, hell we even played them at my wedding! Mama Pepper and I cried,  she sat there telling stories, all while he rested peacefully and we prayed with the chaplain (amazingly none of us ...well me or my dad caught on fire.....we all know Mama Pepper has her golden ticket). They would come in and reassure us that it will be soon.I had fallen sound asleep on Tuesday, he hadn't made a sound in hours, I drifted off, for the first time in days about 5PM, when I heard a scream I will never forget, I open my eyes, jump out of the bed, and lunged at the aid, who was checking on my dad. She had bumped him, which woke/ startled him, the morphine pump had run dry, the alarm sounded and I was screaming at her to not touch him, all the nurses charged in the room, trying to handle the chaos. The screams and the face my daddy made as I tried to comfort him, while they sedated him quickly, will haunt me for the rest of my life. This lasted maybe a minute or less, but felt like a lifetime. He is now sedated and will not wake, even if they did bump him, which I can assure you, they won't. I made my daddy a promise, he would go in peace, he would be pain free, and the whole wing (and possibly the whole ER) knows that the little red head, the adult in charge, the one with frequent melt downs is not kidding when she tells them that he will not be in pain and he will go peacefully.

After 15 hours I had to come home, I thought maybe he was holding on for me, since I was there, maybe he will pass when we leave, after all he didn't want to be rude and leave the party early right?  I repeated to him all day and night "Don't worry Daddy, I'll be fine", after all I am the adult in charge, I even chuckled at the thought that I am the adult in charge, who's idea was that again? We prayed he would go, I need them to call me and say he passed in his sleep, Mama Pepper drove me home, because apparently contacts and leaky eyes, don't mix, so I couldn't see by the end of the day. I waited for that call all night long, then this morning at 4AM, I called and he is still resting peacefully......I think my heart stopped, how can he still be holding on? Is he waiting for me to come back? Mama Pepper and I waited for the break in the storm and headed back to the hospital at 6AM.

 In typical my daddy, stubborn as a bull fashion, he's doing what he wants, he will leave when he is ready, and not any sooner. You can tell him that lunch is at 12PM he will arrive at 9:30AM, every single time. Obviously he plans on riding out this storm, he loved a good hurricane or any storm for that matter, he'd sit in the lawn chair outside with his Michelob he'd call me and say "Youngin' you should see this wind whipping around" and then tell me all the things flying around, as I would gasp and tell him to get back inside before he blows away and as always he ended the call with "Don't worry youngin' I'll be fine".

Its now Wednesday evening,I am home for now, he is still resting peacefully, riding this one last storm out. I hope when this storm passes so does he, before I left today I repeated over and over "Don't worry Daddy, I'll be fine, we will be fine, I got this, you need to get on your way, you have a party to attend" And I reminded him that he was worried about me, he could always send the winning lotto tickets, think of all the glitter and vinyl and crafting I could do with that. I wish someone would tell me what time this party was going to start, so I can get him on his way, I know he wouldn't want to be late! Its true, I will be fine, I have a huge, amazing support system, and between Mama Pepper and Daddy they taught me to be strong, to be brave, to keep my sense of humor, because if you can cry about it, you can also laugh about it and that will get me through these next few hurdles, I have to go. I might trip, I might stumble, but I will always get back up, it just might take a minute or so.

At the moment, my heart hurts, with every minute that passes, every second I know he is with us, my heart is heavy and I think it might break in a million pieces, it takes my breathe away, but I will be fine. I will be at peace when he goes, I will heal when he goes............."Don't worry Daddy, I will be fine".

"Don't worry youngin', I'll be fine"

Exactly one month ago today, I received a call that my dad was in the hospital. Mama Pepper and my dad have been divorced as long as I can remember (and if I had any clue how old I am, then it would be close to that age I think), I am so unbelievably lucky that they always remembered they still had "something" or "someone"  in common ......little ol' me..... the little princess, the one and only, the apple of their eye, and if they had an ugly divorce, I was not aware, I was not touched by any ugly rumors, or hatred that is so common in those situations. Mama Pepper hopped in the car and off we went to the hospital, over in Lakeland to go check on my dad. 

Once we arrived, I whipped the door to the hospital room open, and it literally knocked the wind out of my sail, I closed it again, looked at Mama Pepper and said "This cant be right, that's not him". There was my dad, sleeping, looking like a frail old man. In the 3 months since my last visit, he aged 100 years. When we opened the door back up, and I took my hand and touched his bony shoulder to wake him, his eyes popped open, he looked confused and then sat up in the bed and said "I have cancer". I just looked at him for a moment and then he continued, "its in my spine, its in my lungs, its in my kidneys, and in my bones". I went to speak and when no words came out, my daddy, the frail old man looking back at me, said "Its okay youngin', I'll beat this. I don't want you to worry".  

These last 4 weeks, have been a series of test, biopsies, a collapsed lung and 8 rounds radiation to his spine, which is crumbling from the bone cancer. After 3 1/2 weeks in the hospital, they sent my dad home. He was happy to be home but the pain is constant, there is no relief, and yet he still says to me "I don't want you to worry". I am now the adult in charge, I keep looking around, waiting for the real adult to show up and take over, but they haven't, so I guess I can fake it til I make it. 

After collecting his medical records, I poured over there searching for my questions to be answered, questions I asked my daddy and he would say " I don't know, they haven't told me, don't worry youngin' I'll be fine".  I found a few words I understand, like stage 4, googled the rest - which I do not recommend googling big medical words, they just seem scarier. I called in a favor at work, gave the medical records to one of the top surgeons, I need the "Dummies Version" of these!  I just need to know what are we facing, I need to know how bad is this, and what do I do. He was so kind, and sat and read all the reports, asked me questions and in the end told me that I should take measures to make my dad comfortable, his cancer has spread so rapidly, that there is no cure, chemo will not help, it will only prolong the pain, he has maybe a few months at best. I think my heart stopped, I was very brave as Mama Pepper has that no crying rule, which I normally suck at, but I put my brave face on and thanked him for reviewing everything. I did sob like a baby when he left, but I already knew it wasn't good, but my daddy keeps saying "Don't worry youngin', I'll be fine". 

I went to my dad's 1st follow up appointment this week since he was released from the hospital, I had the medical binder I put together, it contains all my dad's info, all my notes, all my legal paperwork as I am officially the adult in charge, I did look around, to see if the real adult would show up, but they did not. The doctor wants to start chemo next week, I gasped when he suggested that and questioned him on everything, asked to explain the benefits, the side effects, the survival rate, he is stage 4 through out his entire body, his bones are crumbling and at a moments notice he could turn the wrong way and end up snapping his spine and end up paralyzed. My dad agreed he would try it and then if he felt it made things worse he wanted to do palliative care and hospice. He looked over at me, the adult in charge, and said "Don't worry youngin' I'll be fine. I am ready to go home now". 

At first I thought maybe my dad doesn't realize or understand, how bad it is. Maybe its the pain meds? How can he think its going to be ok? How can he think there is anyway out of this? And then I think what is wrong with me? Why am I not more positive he will find his way and "everything will be fine"? I can see that with every breathe he takes in and out, he is in pain, every move or shift he is in pain. I feel guilt, because I haven't been there like I should, Life is busy, with work, and life, I feel guilt that he doesn't really know the Prince like I knew my grand-daddy, because he doesn't understand the issues he has,  I should have tried harder when he would decline coming down for holidays, I should have fought harder to make time to get over there to check on him. I should have done more. 

Tonight I called to check on my dad and he wanted to tell me he talked to the doctor and they told him that there is no cure for what he has, and he does not want to do chemo, he has made the decision to have me, the adult in charge, set him up for hospice, he wants to go pain free, he wants everyone to know this was his decision, and this is what he wants to do, and in typical my daddy  fashion he ended the conversation with "Don't worry youngin', I'll be fine". And for the first time, in 4 weeks, I felt a relief, I felt like he really knew what he was saying, he understood his diagnoses and he was at peace with it. I felt sadness, knowing that he doesn't have much time left, I am hopeful that he will pass peacefully in his sleep with no regrets and no pain. 

I have watched friends and family lose their parents and my heart breaks for them. I know its never easy to lose a loved one, I have lost many, as I've watched others do the same. I never realized it would be a different heartache, one that takes a part of your breathe with the thought that the end is near. My daddy is ready, he is calm, his mind is sharp, he is certain, this is his decision and once he makes his mind up, there is no changing it. which tells me that this tremendous pain he is suffering with, has gone on much longer than he admits. 

I know that he will be fine, because he has told me so..........At some point, I hope the adult in charge shows up and takes over, until then I will try to be strong and brave, and remember Mama Pepper's rule of no crying ~ 

EWW Whats that smell?

Did you know that for the first time since 1956, Easter Sunday fell on April Fool's Day (April 1^st). Since 1900, Easter has fallen on April Fool's Day only four times - 1923, 1934, 1945 and 1956. It won't happen again until 2029. And this year that Easter bunny definitely left us some tricks to deal with!

Easter morning started with me playing sous- chef to the Prince while we made Easter Brunch  and taking directions on how  I should season this, add that, flip the bacon ……..um wait a minute I thought we were cooking together? Not me taking orders while you sit on the couch! I will admit only here and not to the Master Chef aka Prince Charming, I should have followed his lead on the pancakes, but that’s water under the bridge…….or shall I say sink! Cleaning up from brunch I noticed that the carpet by the sink was wet. The Prince and I have been complaining of a “smell/ odor …some kind of funk” for a few months, and the hubster couldn’t smell anything! I was driving myself crazy (and that’s a short drive) with “WTF is that smell” buying ever possible cleaner for the sink, dishwasher, garbage disposable, so after everyone left,  I told the hubster we need to take that kick plate off, because there has to be water down there or dead body or something!! I think to get me to pipe down (see what I did there) he took it off and was shocked at what we discovered!

I am pretty confident that next time I complain of something not “smelling right” that hubster will jump into action and check it out! Clearly I have a sense of smell and he …..does not! After removing the kick plate, we discovered the rotting, decaying, zombies underneath the floor or could have been mold, sludge and just ewwwww (my guess is zombies). Hubster certainly smelled it that time, and I added a few “I told you so’s” in for good measure!!!  

Time to grab the homeowner’s policy and if you have never really looked at yours, it’s time for a chuckle or a good cry. It’s good to know that our homeowners insurance will cover damages if we have a volcanic eruption, or if an aircraft lands on the house, creek floods are also covered should a creek ever run rapid in the house ....but not floods from rain, no nothing practical could be covered like rain in Florida. The leak itself is not covered, but getting to the leak, which is behind the kitchen cabinets, which needed to be removed to get to the leak, is somewhat covered.

The insurance agent sent a “leak specialist” out to yep confirm that we do indeed have a leak ……No Shit Sherlock – I could have told you that, hence the water all over the place! At first assessment of the situation they wanted to go through the backroom where the bar is, you know….. the same room that just GOT FINISHED from renovations …..I think hubster may have told them that would be over my dead body, or they would have a raging redhead lunatic after them but he soon convinced them that it needed to be through the kitchen, because that’s where the original part of the house is and where the water was leaking from.

A contractor came to remove the counter and cabinets to get to the wall where that leak is, good thing hubster was supervising, since he was going to basically leave the water in the walls and let it dry up with the dehumidifier…… that plan changed when hubster knocked a few holes in the wall, and more zombie guts spilled out (okay it could have been more moldy, gross, ewww water). Insert gallons of bleach, spray, cleaner and the smell is finally gone! So is 50% of the kitchen, so we decided that since we would have to pay deductible , that we would just use that money and put in a new kitchen, the contractor wanted to rebuild the base cabinets and reuse the old doors, drawers and counter. Ummm….so we pay out a deductible and get the same shit back? No thanks! Besides the cat is very comfy in her new drawer that she has claimed, how could we possibly put that back in the cabinet?

Another day, another project, another adventure! Its exciting, and annoying but will be amazing when its done! Oh  good news is the PIG border that we already put up in the kitchen  about 4 months ago .....will be staying!! And the dead zombie smell is gone ..............so all will be good!  

 

Let it go

There comes a time in your life when you just have to step back, take a good look at things and just let go. Let go of your expectations of what life  should be like, let go of that need to meet everyone’s approvals and their demands, and their expectations of you and what they think you should be doing. It’s hard, it’s  scary and it doesn’t come naturally to just let go of that control, of what you think you know, what you think your life should be like and what others think of you. The what if’s, the shoulda, coulda, woulda all come flooding in at a rapid speed, you second guess every decision you’ve made in life, but if you can just let it go, and take it one day at a time, one minute at a time, one moment at a time, things will change, you get a new window to peer out of that has a different view and the tunnel looks a little brighter.

11 months ago, I made (we made) a huge decision, that not everyone agreed with, but we did it anyways, because you know what, we let it go. We stopped second guessing our choices, we let go of that preconceived notation that all kids are meant to be in a classroom, and made a bold choice to withdraw the Prince from school after he turned 16. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, was I doing the right thing? How would I know, I had tried public, private, charter, online and homeschool, this seemed to be my last option, but how would I know if this is the right choice. I had to just let it go, and stop worrying what others would/ did say, because you know what .....they don’t live in my shoes, they didn’t see the daily struggles to get through the day, they just knew what they “thought” our lives “should” be like. That decision I struggled with everyday, I stopped writing because I thought all I’m doing is documenting my failures as a parent, and figured I had enough reminders, and it would help justify the “judgy-mc-judgers” out there that they were right.
 I spent the summer convincing the Prince that he would be taking GED classes in the evening starting in September, I worked with the teacher and arranged for him to come during office hours to take the pretest,  which he passed with flying colors for reading, science and social studies. As for math he was 6 points away from passing, it’s not a subject he’s at all interested in, and therefore he didn’t put a lot of effort in it! Two nights a week he went to the college to work on math with a family friend who also signed up with the Prince and in January the teacher said he had passing scores to begin testing. On Feb. 1st I told the Prince he had 4 test, I was giving him 4 weeks, and he would be graduated by March 1st. End of story, we’d have this past us and look forward to the next chapter. 

I’m so proud to say that he took the challenge, he took one test a week for that 4 weeks that he picked himself the subject and signed up on his own each week.He now has his high school diaploma at 16, as of February 27th. While they forgot to add mine and the hubsters name to his diapolma, I can tell you when he sent me the picture of his diploma  after his last test, I finally felt the weight lift off my shoulders, the tunnel opened up and I knew I had finally got something in this parenting gig right! While we took a different path then most, he still ended up at the same destination, just a year AHEAD of time!

I know it’s a natural response that everyone is like “what’s next”? And I have to remind them that he’s only 16, we have time to sort this out, after all what were you doing at 16? You were in high school as a sophomore or junior, right ? So just let us celebrate this win. We deserve it, it’s been a daily struggle for years with school, I just want to soak it in. The Prince is happier than he has been in years, the weight of the stress with school is off his shoulders for now. It doesn’t mean he will never go back, it means he will choose his path, it will be a side road leading to his own journey. No one can choose it for him, should he want to go to college or a trade school or be an inventor, a chef or a rock polisher ......we will be there to help lead him, but in the end he is a strong willed young man,
who will need to make that choice on his own and follow where that dirt road leads him.

I spent the last 11 months letting go of what others thought of our choices, stopped explaining myself to “judgy-mc- judgers” because it really doesn’t matter what they say or think. I know that we did what’s right by our son, and no one can ever tell me differently and that alone helps me sleep at night. I know one day the Prince will look back and know we did the best we could and he was loved and understood in a difficult period of his life. I hope he realizes this prior to putting me and hubster in the old folks home!

But as a sneak peek into what’s next.....so that you don’t have the risk of my tossing a throat punch your way .......when everyone says “well now what”? The Prince wants to get his restricted drivers license......he’s interested in finding a job, of course it’s a job that doesn’t involve people....so that’s a bit tough to find....after a career assessment he found he could be a rock polisher ......Didn’t even know that’s such a thing......

And a thank you to Meme for telling me to update my blog! It’s been a long time coming!

BMI Chart - Suck It

Do you ever stop and think WHY am I doing this? Like for example …….. Why am I folding my bra and panties as I strip down to my birthday suit and WHY am I now hiding them under my pants and shirt on top of  the chair! Yep - you guessed it, it’s that time of year and I’m at the doctors for my annual “hoo hah” exam and I’m hiding my bra and panties ……why? I mean really the doc is going to be up close and personal with the “hoo –hah” and but no …….she can’t see my unmentionables? I put on my fashionable gown which of course has to go forward facing, because well, she also has to feel up or as they say …..inspect the girls. So there I sit in my most vulnerable state, naked as a jaybird but now wearing a lovely “front facing” plaid gown, which totally clashes with my red beaded necklace and I wait for that knock at the door ……….

Knock ……Enter stage left – the door opens and in walks my doctor. She complements how great my hair looks and how she loves the style it’s cut in – Oh how sweet I think (and I must agree my I was having a good hair day) ……and then she goes in for the kill. She flips a piece of paper over and shows me my weight chart the past few years to let me know I am now in the obese rage according to my height and weight WTF? Am I being punked??  My heart stops, and it takes everything I have in me not to start screaming obscenities at her, and I feel the latch on the flood gates start to pry open, as if I don’t know that I have gained weight over the past few years WTF??

The doc keeps waving the chart around to tell me that I need to exercise more and eat less and stop drinking sodas. Ummm okay wait lets back the bus up (right over her fat head) I do work out, plus we walk the furkids almost every night (and hasn’t she heard I am the FitBit Step Nazi) I don’t eat THAT much and I don’t even drink sodas!!! As she continues to wave this lovely graph in my face she said I was at a good weight in 2013 – I need to do whatever I was doing back then because what I’m doing now clearly isn’t working. I looked at her and said I was taking diet pills that you yelled at me for taking and you told me NOT to take because they could kill me! Humm should I go back to those because clearly I was doing it right back then!! You just said so yourself!! Well that put a stop to her waving the chart in my face, now she has placed it on my purse, like it’s my fucking prize for coming to the doctors!

We finish my exam of the nether regions at least that gets a glowing review, she tells me to cut out this and that and up my cardio to try to lose some of this weight……………yeah thanks doc go ruin some other poor saps soul – but hey at least I’m having a good hair day.

My (soon to be former) doctor knows my medical history, I have seen her for over 20 + years, she knows I have struggled with bulimia and body dysmorphia since I was in about the 7th grade all the way until I was pregnant at 27 with the Prince! I think being pregnant helped me see the light - I cant say it cured me of being bulimic because you never really are cured from an eating disorder, but it did make me wonder WTF I was doing, because when I was pregnant, every morning, noon and night my feet hit the floor I was throwing up! I know gross - but that's when it hit me......I did this on purpose!!! For how long??? OMG - I really am crazy! I've relapsed more times then I care to  admit over the years, but I was finally at a point where I accepted the changes my body has made - NO  I don't always agree with my body - but I will say "the girls" are still perky and fabulous and I can still rock that hourglass shape ....its just I've added bigger curves - and that's ok (well most days).  I no longer focus on the numbers of the scale (or at least try not to), the hubs has drilled into my head that its not the numbers on the scale but the way you feel, the way your clothes feel and yada yada yada , and I feel pretty good - yeah I'd like to be thinner but who wouldn't - I no longer let it control my life ....I finally felt in control! Its taken us being together for 20 years to finally let that be what I repeat in my head instead of focusing on the numbers of the scale which I usually don't even get on.  For the record .....I've never been "allowed" to own a scale until  about 5 years ago was when we finally got one! I was to obsessive (yes me shocker I know)  and let it totally control what or if I ate for the day! It was a viscous cycle, so not owning a scale was a better option for me and my mental well being. 


Needless to say this single comment has put me in a total tail spin, for the rest of the day, week, month probably the next year until I have to go back to her...... well wait ......I think I'll be looking for a new doctor , maybe one with a better bedside manner!!!  And the doctor can take her BMI Chart and shove it right up her ................
well you know! 

BACK AT IT

I ended my last blog entry in August ....yes August 2016 with ........WTF? WTF? WTF?  I'm going to try to homeschool, and hope to hell I can teach him something other then "Pepper-isms"! I haven't yet figured out when we actually do this "homeschool" thing, since I have this J-O-B thing I go to.......but we'll figure it out! 

Well I can say that this has been an epic fail in my parenting skills, we never figured it out, everyday I still wonder WTF?? The Prince turned 16 in April, and I withdrew him from homeschool just yesterday and will be signing him up to take his GED. When will that be? I have no idea, my guess is when I can get him to leave the house, I mentioned it yesterday and he went into hiding ....so yeah it wont be soon. Is it an ideal plan? Nope - but its the only one I've got right now. For those that keep asking but then what? I don't freaking know......And for the record just so we are clear .......... continuing to ask me, doesn't help. I judge myself more than you can ever image, so you can stop, there really is no need for it, I am doing it for the both of us - so don't you worry ....I got this!

Oh sorry - that little rant was a long time in the making ........and probably why I haven't written in so long! But I've learned a few things this year, you're never going to please everyone, not everyone is always going to like you, they aren't always going to be on your side and that's okay - its truly their loss ~ and besides I really miss writing, and for the two people that may read this nonsense, I bet they miss me to!

It's not how I thought things would turn out. I had a hard time with the Prince turning 16, I had leaky eyes for weeks before, during and after ( and yes still) this milestone. The leaky eyes were more like flood gates, all I could think was this isn't how I thought it would be, he should be experiencing things like getting a drivers licenses, going to prom, homecoming, girlfriends and getting a J-O-B. 

I've watched in envy from the sidelines of Facebook and life as everyone has celebrated these milestones their kids have made this year from sports, boyfriends, girlfriends, proms, homecomings getting their licenses and now graduations. Don't get me wrong I celebrated with you, I cheered when you cheered, I ohhhh and ahhh at every photo and story I read. I admire that you've got this parenting gig down. I'm not the jealous type, I've never looked at someone's life and said "oh I wish that was my life" because let's face it, life isn't always greener on the other side of the grass, usually it's spray painted. But I find myself jealous of those milestones that you are so proudly posting ( which you should be proud! I sure as hell would be too- hell I'm proud when the Prince takes a shower and uses soap and shampoo) I find that I'm jealous that not just you but your gem will have those memories forever. I hope that someday things will change, the Prince will grow into the amazing young man I know he is and he to will experience these things....until then I will live vicariously through you on Facebook.

Over the past year I've looked back over my blog post trying to figure out where I went wrong, I need to remember some of the things I actually write - because let's face it - some of it is good advice that I spew out, like why does it have to be something I did wrong, why can't I accept the fact that the Prince is wired differently than others? It's true, I know it's true and yet .......there still that nagging in the back of my head, that forever ongoing internal conversation in my head that just keeps asking why.......why is it like this? And those judg-y ass people peering over in my lane....I got this ...no need to help with the constant clutter in my head.

I wrote an open letter to the Prince on his birthday (it's posted below) I printed it out and stuck it in his birthday card, the Prince isn't much on expressing emotions, but when I later went into his room, he looked up at me, tapped the letter smiled at me and touched his heart and the letter again and went back to doing his thing, while to most that wouldn't seem like much, but to me it meant the world. He gets it .....and really in the end that's who matters.

Do I know what's next? Nope I have no clue, I'll just put one foot in front of the other and keep going and that's all I got! Now all those judg-y folks just stay in your lane or risk the chance of me running you over ~

Open letter to the Prince........

To my baby bouncing boy who is now towering over me, I want you to know I love you with all my heart (even on those days I want to string you up by your toes which…………. is often).  16 years ago you came into this world all on your own terms, arriving 4 weeks earlier than expected, I mean hey I still had shopping to do, but no way did you want to wait and cook a little longer!! You flew out of that oven within 20 minutes of that first push and it’s been a hell of an adventure ever since! 

 

I remember my first teacher conference at preschool when you were two years old, Ms. Kitty a 50 year veteran, told me “He’s such a leader, he will do great things, but right now, I need him to follow me and understand I am the leader”, I heard the same statement from many teachers over the years, all followed by how incredible brilliant you are, and that you will do great things in life. You’re smart, witty, handsome, and full of untapped potential, someday I hope you see that too.

 

In 16 years I have learned so much from you and about you. I know that there is always a Plan B, C, even Z and sometimes, we start over with a 1, 2 or 3. There is always another path, even if it's the road less traveled. Just because it’s what everyone else is doing, doesn’t make it right for you. I’m learning that you should take the path in which your vision allows you to see what you do have, instead of what we wished you had. Leave that other path unexplored. Don’t give it one more second of your precious time or energy.  It’s not an easy lesson to learn, but we grow most from our challenges and roadblocks. So we now learn to embrace it and lean in for the ride.

 

I’ve learned that you can’t force a square peg in a round hole or vice versa no matter how hard you try. I’ve learned that there is no such thing as “normal” and why should there be, we are all unique and shouldn’t be compared to what we think “normal” looks like, because honestly who knows what that is! I’ve learned that sometimes, you just have to step back and take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, and one minute at a time. I have learned that not everyone will understand or approve of the choices we make, and the things we do, and that’s ok, they don’t have to. I’ve learned that you’re going to trip and fall occasionally, but that we just dust ourselves off and stand again. Maybe that internal compass will malfunction and you’ll lose your way, but we just look for another path to take as we dust ourselves off and stand again.

 

One day I hope that you will see you’ve got places to go, things to do, lives to touch, miracles to make. I promise you’ll see things differently someday, everything will be brighter, better, full of options that you hadn’t noticed before and when you do, just know that we will still be standing by your side, cheering you on. In the end I know you will do great things, they will be on your own terms as with everything you do in life.

 

I hope someday you will look back and remember all these lessons that you have taught me and know that it’s a miracle…………. you survived your childhood without me stringing you up by your toes!

 

Happy 16th Birthday to my little Prince Charming ~

 

Now What?

I'm waiting for my big break in life, you know where that rainbow in the sky will shine down on me, the birds will chirp (far away from me because I actually hate birds. That whole flying thing they do ... really creeps me out) the squirrels will break out onto a song and dance and all will be right in the world. Because at some point its going to click with Prince Charming.......right? I mean come on - seriously- it has to?? Apparently I am still waiting for that big break ....... the vet tech program was not it. We lasted 6 whole days in class, yes as in 1,2,3,4,5, and 6 - where he never spoke to the teacher, maybe mumbled a few words here and there, but I doubt she even heard them.  I had high hopes that his love of animals would outweigh his anxiety, sadly it did not. And its okay, I'm trying to be patient and learn more about anxiety, and understand.  I think it sucks-ass royally, but I know its real. Once the teacher started moving them into groups, to work together, to develop presentations to present to the class it was all down hill from there. I guess its better to know now, before we ended up with a pet goat or something n my backyard!

So what's next ? Yep that's what I keep asking myself! I wish I had an answer for myself but oddly I am quiet! I'd like to think I am reflecting on things, but nope I'm not, I just keep having my own pity party in my head and repeating "WTF? WTF? WTF? "   I'm going to try to homeschool, and hope to hell I can teach him something other then "Pepper-isms"! I haven't yet figured out when we actually do this "homeschool" thing, since I have this J-O-B thing I go to.......but we'll figure it out!
 

Perfect Parent ....Epic Fail

Have you ever filled out a job application and lied? You know maybe fudged a tad on years or level of experience? Yes, that’s what I feel like I have done, I have lied on my application for parenting, being pregnant for 9 months, reading mounds of parenting books, life experience does NOT qualify you as a good parent, or even capable parent. 

 

You have all these set goals and expectations in your head and you know you’ll do great, then they hand you that bundle of joy and you’re like now what the hell do I do now? All that planning and reading, and observing what others do (that you secretly judge in your head and say you won’t do) …………yet there you are doing those same things you vowed never to do! I have no doubt I was a perfect parent…..right up until that moment they handed me that bundle of joy! If I ever secretly judge you ..... I'm sorry, I'm an asshole , and have no clue what I'm doing.....even now.
 

Fast forward 15 years and I’m still thinking WTF Every. Single. Day.

Maybe someone should come and fire me! I am clearly not qualified to do this parenting gig. Maybe I spent to much time with my head in the glitter, hangingout with the unicorns, but I'm back to square one. I'm back to running in a dark tunnel searching for the light and the way out. The Prince is back to not leaving the house, sleeping all day up all night, and back to school refusal , which BTW starts in 6 days!!! 
Hubster made a comment the other day and said "where did we go wrong"? That  question has replayed over and over in my head for years,....,what could I have done differently? What did I do wrong, but then I thought about it, let the words roll through my head and thought .....what if it wasn't something we did? What if it's just the way he is wired? Just because he doesn't fit into that profile of a " typical, normal, teenager" .....why does it mean he's wrong? Why does that have to be something that I did wrong? Why am I upset he just wants to stay home and read, or play games on his computer. When there are kids his age or younger, that are in trouble with the law, shooting each other and doing horrible things, and I'm worried because he .......he what? What's to be left alone so he can read? We worry he wont have a childhood or memories like we did back in the day, but then again we live in a different world today.








Over the last few years, I've waved my white flag, I've surrender over and over, and just tried to figure out WTF I am doing, what I'm going to do next, and how I am going to make it work. Well I'm doing it again. I'm waving the white flag, I've  enrolled him (yes again) in homeschool, signed him up for a vet tech program, and I'm just winging it at this point and I have no FRIGGEN idea if this will work or not, but I have to try. 
Who knows maybe this will be our next great adventure........... or maybe it will be the reason the Prince becomes that smell in the back yard or the reason I wear prison orange. But I have binged watched all 4 seasons of  "Orange is the new Black" so I got this - prison thing covered. I'm sure its just like TV. If anything it will give me a reason to write more often!

P.S. I have no idea why I am having formatting issues .or why I was locked out of my own blog . I mean really if you want to steal my identity ...........you take ALL that comes with it!!!! Yeah - that's what I thought -

 

 

 

 

 

Hoarders Buried by Pigs, Dust and Fur

How the hell is it May? No wonder I had someone call and check on me yesterday saying I had not posted an update in awhile....a very long while! I guess that saying is right on the money, the older you get (still only 29) the faster time goes!


Let's see ......the Prince continues to get out of the car at school (when he's not sick), still hates it, still thinks homeschooling is the answer, isn't making stellar grades, but according to my teacher conference last week, he will be passing 9th grade ....just like 8th grade, his test scores are too high to hold him back, and if you add up all his grades for the semesters they equal a passing grade......by the skin of his teeth. I guess I thought that at some point something would click ...he'd get it, it hasn't happened yet, but I am sure at some point in my life time it will ........ I mean he cant live at home forever can he? I don't have a basement for him to move in to!! I'm understanding more and more every day WHY animals eat their young (and mates too)!

We finally bought our house we've been in the past 5 years, and now the projects begin!! We have ripped out the tile floors, and carpet and are having new wood plank tile floors installed! They look awesome!!

Some things I have learned in this adventure ....... I have to much shit, everything is dusty, and again way to much shit! I feel like I could be trying out for the show "Hoarder's Buried Alive" except my episode  would feature  "Hoarders Buried by Pigs, Dust and Fur".

The 1st night of our Hoarders adventure I went to take the fur kids for a walk ...here's how that convo went .....
ME: "Hey where did you put the leashes last night?"
HUBS: " In the back room"

 So you see this pink arrow below ..... yeah that's where I found the leashes. On a side note I have managed to climb the clutter mountain to climb through the kitchen window  to grab a pair of scissors and I even witnessed the hubster do it to grab the bread!! Had I been able to find my phone I would have captured that moment in time for sure!!

You don't realize how much stuff you have until you pile it in one room - and that's not even the WHOLE House - just what we are tiling!!! So my living room, dining room, kitchen, hallway, foyer and hall closet are all crammed in my craft room, that room is next but hubster is gonna make a new-craft-tastic desk and bar! Cant wait til it's all done!! For now its a hot dusty mess!! The areas I am confined to I have been cleaning out and purging!! Not enough to make it look like I have done anything ...... so I better keep going! One good thing being confined to a space, is that I have made 2 diaper cakes, 8 teacher gifts, baby shower favors and I'm sure I could do more if I could find all my stuff !!

All Wrapped Up

EEEK! Can you believe that Christmas is in 8 days??? My craft-tastic desk has been disheveled for well over 2 months (ok ……..ok ….if you ask the hubster It’s been this way from the day he built it) and I think I have burned all my fingertips off in the process!! But I added 6 new holiday candy dishes this year with all the ideas swirling around in my head, it could have been more (but the hubs would probably have divorced me so I better not push my luck)!! Ha - it’s been fun! Pretty sure at some point the hubster will either change the locks or go on strike from being my master spray painter!! Maybe…………….just maybe he will re-instate my spray painting privileges……..but I am pretty sure that I have a better chance of pigs flying before that ever happens! I don’t know something about, getting spray paint on the car, garbage can, the house, the dog ….the ………..well everything other than what I am actually spraying!

 

As for the Prince, I am over the moon with the progress he has made!! These past few months have been amazing, in watching him grow and overcome some of his issues. I had my first teacher conference this week, it’s the same ol’ same ol’ on the comments from the teachers, he does GREAT work …..WHEN you can GET him to do it and turn it in! Yep…………..I’ve heard it all before! Over the past few months, he has traveled out of his comfort zone more and more, it makes me so proud.  

The Prince and I did some Black Friday Shopping, we left the house at 12:30am and retuned at 3:30am. We had a blast, went to a few stores, he may or may not have whacked an old  lady in the back of the head with a comforter set on accident, which usually would have derailed our day - but he just moved right past it, thankfully so did the lady!!!  The Prince wanted to make sure that anytime I am out at that hour, I needed to make sure he was with me……. For my own protection…..from all the hoodlums out at that hour. I assured him that this was not an everyday thing that stores were open all hours of the night and neither were all these people!

“S” his new friend, that’s just like him, has been a God send for us all!! They went to Orlando last month for the day to Mega Com, with good ol’ Uncle B, he is convinced they communicate telepathically!! And then the hubster had to travel over and pick them up that evening, he also confirmed it was the “quietest car ride ever”! So maybe that’s the reason the Prince had 2200 text messages last month, or at least 2197 of those were to her, the rest could have been to me and the hubster!

“S” has had tough times in her young life but she has overcome so many obstacles and she is an amazing young girl and a great friend to the Prince! So sweet, and caring and thinks that she is at that school just so she can help the Prince overcome some of his anxiety’s and issues! “S” even convinced him he needed to get a haircut ………. WTH?? Really?? Can she come over and tell you to also clean your room, do your homework and the other million things I ask him to do? Now don’t go all crazy thinking you could actually TELL he got a haircut ……but he did get a trim ……… a very small trim, but its baby steps!!

So this year as we are thinking about Christmas (did I mention it’s in 8 days) the Prince told us he wanted to get “S” a computer, that’s all she wants for Christmas and that’s what I want to get for her. Over and over again this has been his plea that this is what HE wants for Christmas, is to be able to get this for her. She has had tough times, and this is all she wanted and he told her that’s what he was getting her. WHAT??? I was flabbergasted that a 14 year old would even think to say something like this, much less promise someone this is what he was going to get her, but yep …. That’s my gem ….and that’s what he did!

We’ve had long talks about how things are, and how much money that would cost and why we couldn’t possibly do that. But the Prince was persistent and told us this would be HIS Christmas present, that we wouldn’t need to get him anything, not one single thing, this is what he wanted and it’s the only thing he wanted. We explained that “S” wouldn’t be able to get him a present like this is return, and he replied “ I already have a computer, I don’t want anything but to get her one of her own, she’s my friend and she deserves it”.

Taking a step back, looking at the big picture and seeing what a positive effect she has made in his progress, I would almost op to buy her a friggen brand new car …..if I had unlimited funds of course!!! So last weekend the most amazing thing happened, Mama Pepper called to say that Pop Pop Pepper wanted to take the Prince and go pick out a computer for him to give to “S” for her Christmas present! The Prince of course would have picked out a $10,000 top of the line laptop with all the bells and whistles, but he was very happy with the laptop that they picked out for her! He is over the moon to be able to do this, and I am so proud at how mature he is being! I mean really if you think stop and think about it …….I don’t know many grown ass adults that would give up getting a present  just so their friend could get something they really wanted.

So while the Prince is super excited and has his wrapping paper all picked out, from our Black Friday shopping trip ( I couldn’t figure out why he picked out wrapping paper with owls on it……….and then told me I wasn’t  allowed to wrap anything with it, that he needed it ……..….humm I know now that our little friend likes “owls” ) J It should be interesting to see how this gift giving goes, considering he bought her an anima hairclip in September for her birthday …………and the Prince still has it in his binder and now uses it for decoration!! Last week at the craft fair, he picked out an owl bookmark – (that’s when I put two and two together about the owl wrapping paper) but at the Christmas show last week he had it in his pocket, they sat and next to each other texting …… and I nudged him about the bookmark …..he just sat there ……….and I did what any mother would do …….whipped it outta his pocket with a big grin on my face handed it to “S” and said ….”Here you go honey, we saw this at the craft fair and thought of you”!!!

Did the Prince turn 42 shades of red and give me a wide eye roll …you bet our sweet- ass he did!! But that’s what moms do! And apparently from my conversations with the Prince I am “annoying”,  “ he can’t believe that we could be related” “ he just doesn’t have the energy to DEAL with my annoying-ness  in the mornings because he is to tired in the mornings” so I’d say ….I am right on track! Pretty sure my Mother of the Year Award is on it’s way! And for that matter so is my Wife of the Year Award as I sat through a Christmas Musical last night …….. (if you know me …you know I am not a fan of Christmas Music ….its okay for an 30 minutes …. Maybe  … on Christmas morning….) and tonight’s date night is the prescreening of Star Wars......

I look forward to the New Year and what new things it will bring both big and small milestones and new adventures for me, the Prince and the Hubster! Bring it on ~ We’ve got this 2016!

 

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shouting from the rooftops

Its October already??? How can that be?? I've been asked a lot "How is the Prince doing? You haven't written anything lately ...." (I'm just amazed people read my nonsense)  I should be shouting from the roof top .............but I'm afraid of heights! I am so happy and so proud to say that the Prince is still going strong and doing great! I think it helps that he may be sweet on a girl at school, according to him, "She is just like me! She has social anxiety, she likes anima, she loves animals and doesn't like people" - yep that's sounds just like him! He is excited to go to school because he has her in his 1st class and sits with her at lunch (in a classroom .....far, far, far away from people), he is excited at the end of the day when he gets in the car to tell the hubs how his day went.

Now with that all being said.........he is still an asshat in the mornings, because he is up half the night and still doesn't have his sleep in a normal pattern.......and I'm not sure he ever will. Thankfully he showers at night now- so its once less issue in the morning to deal with. He has earned his bedroom door back after losing it for nearly a year, now my arguing consists of "Why he is always shutting his door". So if that's my biggest concern right now,....I'm okay with that! But I will still nag him for that .... its my job....to be annoying and to nag .... pretty sure I had to sign a contract to be a mom!!

At the open house at school, all the teachers had great things to say (and most of them were not saying them because it was their job they seemed to truly mean it ). The common theme with the teachers were "WOW - he is so smart, the way he thinks and puts stuff together is amazing and he does awesome work ..... WHEN you can GET him TO do the work .....". Yep we all knew that was coming, when he likes a class, a teacher he does fantastic ....however when there is no interest ... well then their is no effort put into it. The Prince tested the highest in the entire school for SRI testing (language arts and reading comprehension) they told him the highest grade you can get on that test is 1330 .....he tested at 1325 .....which is basically an above average 12th grade level ............yet he has an "F" in language arts ......because he doesn't like the teacher or the class (which according to him is full of thugs) .... go figure???

For now I'm not stressing as much as I should be about grades, because its been along time coming that things have been calm, that he has been happy and my little world is at peace. I haven't had leaky eyes in weeks, I don't stress like I did when it was time to go to school, to come home from work, or to just breathe. I'm enjoying his sarcastic, funny, witty self more and more everyday At least we know he gets its honestly .......from his dad..........not me ....no ... not me ......sarcasm  comes from the hubster.  He'll get it, he's to smart not to get it, I hope that he pulls it together soon, I kinda made a promise that if he made straight "A"'s all year I'd buy him a super computer .....I'd give him a $5000 budget .....and if he graduates with straight "A"'s  I'd take him to Japan...his reply was "WOW dad, look mom is throwing money at me left and right" LOL . So far I'm not going to be getting him a super computer at the end of this year, but you never know - it could happen!

It's been along time since my mind has been clear enough for my creative spark to return. My wheels are turning and my glue sticks are rapidly depleting, my craft table is a hot mess as I am back crafting!!! I actually had someone at work say to me the other day "I'm so glad your son is doing well, its amazing to see the difference in you and your spark has finally returned"  and here I thought I had it all together at work .....for the most part that is. I know we still have along way to go, but everyday I feel like I am a bit closer to the end of the tunnel, and everyday the light seems a bit brighter.

Following The Rainbow Home

Its been a long time since I actually prayed, I mean dug deep into my soul and reached out for that guidance and gave it my all to get a connection to the big guy in the sky. Its sad but true, I stopped praying when our prayers weren't answered and we lost both Aunt Doll and Papa within 2 months of each other. Maybe I was holding a grudge for taking them so close together, that I just stopped making that call. Whenever I have lost a loved one, I have always seen a rainbow, within minutes of receiving word that they had left this earth, I would look up and there would be that rainbow. That rainbow that gave my heart a flutter and for a moment the sadness would disappear, because that was their calling card to me, to say its okay.

Over the past few weeks I have seen many rainbows, maybe its from the countless days of rain we have experienced, or maybe its my guardian angels on the other side, trying to show me the way. Its been an exhausting summer, the mornings were long and rough with our daily trips to the therapy center, but I can honestly say that it was worth every leaky eye moment and countless F-bombs I had to text to get where we are today! The change has been amazing, I am in awe everyday seeing more and more progress and even family and friends who didn't realize it was as bad as it was, now finally see the light because they have seen such a drastic change as well.

Last Monday, was the first day of school, the Prince was very nervous, especially Sunday night, you could see the anxiety building throughout the weekend, but by Sunday I thought he was going to explode. This isn't your typical "1st day jitters" this was a " holy shit I am going back to school, I cant do it mountain of anxiety" . I'm not sure I slept Sunday nor did the Prince, once my alarm went off I sat up on the side of my bed and noticed there was a rainbow, shining off the sliding glass doors from the light in the bathroom, it made my heart flutter. Sitting on the edge of the bed for the first time in a long time .....I prayed .........I prayed for the Prince to make it through the day, to make this be it, make this be the right path for him to follow, to make all that we went through worth it, I prayed for light to lead me  in that dark tunnel we had been traveling, I prayed for peace and happiness in my heart, because I don't know what else I can do.

I was amazed at how great he went off to school, how he got out of the car even thou he was so nervous, he was doing it, I felt so relieved as I pulled away from the school leaving him. I finally felt at peace ...............until 12 minutes later and as I pulled into work my cell phone started ringing and it was the Prince............sobbing so hard that a teacher had to get on the line with me. He was having a major anxiety, panic attack. I whipped my car around and 12 minutes later I was there at the school ..... only 24 minutes into the new school year ............thinking to myself ...........obviously my connection to the big blue sky was disconnected or maybe I got a busy signal ..... because this wasn't what we had discussed this morning!!! I took PC outside and let him sit in the car, I tried talking to him, reasoning with him that he's got this, he can do this, and when he was ready, we would try, try again. In the meanwhile I was back at sending my F**K, F**K, F**K text to my mini support group aka  girlfriends! While I was engrossed in my own pity party of "OMG's this cant be happening, what am I going to do", I realized that the car door opened and PC was standing outside of my car ready to try it again....... 48 minutes into the school year ....here we go again.

I anxiously awaited for the hubster and the Prince to call with how wonderful school was, sadly I didn't get that call, instead I got the call how much he hated it and wasn't going back....to many "thugs" and disruptive kids .......SHIT ,,,, there go my leaky eyes.... again........will this ever end??? When I got home I laid with the Prince and he told me about his day ... ... It wasn't so bad ...... and he had some very interesting stories to tell..........

Day 1 - we learned that one of the teachers had 14 felonies by the time they were 12 ... and taught in the prison system ... I thought the moral of the story was " They turned their life around ... and now are helping others". Apparently the moral of the story was "They aren't afraid of the thugs"

Day 2 - the morning had a rough start - Again I anxiously awaited for the after school call and held my breathe to hear how it went .....and he had a good day ... WHAT??? Seriously??? Are you kidding?? It was good?? And he thinks he will like it .... well .....he will like it better when the thugs are gone....

Day 3 - Stomach bug - for all those nah sayers ..... it was real ... the smell out of that bathroom could kill someone ......

Day 4 - Had a good day ...OMG - this melts my heart.......he also met another anti-social girl ...
 and he decided that one of the teachers hair reminds him of his stuffed pillow when all the stuffing came out of it ... ummm yeah I don't know WTH it means....but it was a good day ... so I will take it

Day 5 - It was another good day - We made it an entire week (minus one day) - and he is willing to return on Monday!!! OMG - that's fabulous!!!



As I drove home Friday night, there is was......right in front of me.......the biggest brightest rainbow I have ever seen, leading me home. And once again I felt that flutter in my heart and I knew it was my army of guardian angles telling me that it will be okay, we've got this!

Now if we can just master getting our homework done...................

Learning the 2 Step

Lately I feel like I am practicing my dance moves, two steps forward, two steps back ,cha cha cha …. But  inquiring minds want to know …..Is it working? And how is the Prince doing in the intensive therapy program?  As to be expected he hates it, thinks it’s stupid, and doesn’t know why he needs to be there, some days are good, some days are bad, some days are better than the day before. It has been a long, exhausting 4 weeks and 18 days, with many days of leaky eyes (some days his eyes leak …some days my eyes leak) ……... BUT, I think we are making some progress....Of course some days we make way more progress than other days!! But I guess progress is progress.

I'm ever so thankful for my amazing support system of friends and family, I'm thankful I have friends that I can just text the F-Bomb to 100 times if I need to, because some days you just gotta scream or text) F**K , F**K , F**K !!! Just to feel better and carry on!! Well and I'm pretty sure they would frown on me screaming it there at the center!! And now I have a gift fairy at work, who drops little fun goodies off for me .... it puts a smile on my face, especially when its been a leaky eye day!! So thank you all for the love and the support ~

I’ve learned a lot of things in the past 4 weeks, and I know that my situation could be so much worse. Everyone’s struggle is different and unique. All the kids at the center are there for very different reasons and everyone’s OCD’s, Phobias and  Anxieties are different. I’ve watched the past 4 weeks, as some of the kids have phased out of the program and got to return home, many of the families are from out of state, so I am thankful that I am simply across the bridge!!! And I am hopeful that we too will phase out sooner than later.

I’ve spent a lot of time in the lobby, mainly because the first 2 weeks,  the Prince and I would argue the WHY’s he needed to be here and do these things, so I would need to just walk away and let the therapist work with him without me.  I spent many times just observing in fascination, some of these other kids, watching what they had to do and spoke to their parents, I want to know about the issues they have, I almost crave the conversation, so I didn’t feel so alone and isolated. But as I said all issues are very different.

Some of the kids we have encountered have been  “Shower Girl” she took 3 hour long showers, with the water running ……she would first CLEAN the entire shower, scrub every inch of it, take apart the drain and shower head  (I don’t think I’ve ever done that ever) after the shower was clean she would get in, still water running, have to scrub ever kook and cranny plus her very long rainbow colored hair, then she would redo the ritual of cleaning the shower again… yes with water still running for 3 hours!! After she was out of the shower she had about 10 other rituals that she had to do between 500 to 1000 times EACH!! Her mother told me it literally took her almost 5 hours to get ready to go anywhere!!!  Her last day after 10 weeks she took a 16 minute shower!! She also could not ride in the car without the window cracked because she had to continually push the germs out the car window…….arms failing about especially when her mother sneezed or coughed! The therapist made them sit in the car with the windows rolled up, so that the germs couldn’t escape ….while the mother coughed and coughed…and not all while NOT covering her mouth.

“Contamination Boy” he won’t touch anything ……..and hadn’t left the house in over 2 years. Simple things like the door knob, picking something up from the floors, walking by people, even people breathing the same air as he, would cause him to hold his breath until he passed out most times so that he didn’t get the contaminated germs. One of the things he was required to do ……..to help get him over his fear of contamination and germs… was stick his hand in the toilet water (several times) and NOT wash it (ewww) and then shake someone else’s hand …… needless to say …. I was sitting on my hands in the lobby that day, not making eye contact because I did NOT want to be that lucky someone to shake his hand!!

Another “Contamination Boy 2” argued the facts about cleanliness for over 45 minutes refusing to participate and why he would NOT sit on the hardwood floor, with the therapist who was sitting there on her knees with palms planted firmly in contact with the floor, then she put her face down on the floor and when she stuck her tongue out to lick the floor, I think he almost past out from that exposure. I am certain that my eyes grew wide just watching!

 I sit in fascination watching these events take place, I think that some of these methods are CRAZY ......... but fast forward 5 days later I walked into the center with “Contamination Boy 2” actually sitting on the lobby floor, with his hands palms down and looking at his parents and the therapist and instead of arguing, he smiled and said “What’s next- that was easy”.  Next up was to catch a cockroach, I didn’t stay for that adventure as they headed to the stairwell on their search for a giant cockroach (ewwww).

“Hair Eater” he pulls out his hair (eyebrows, eye lashes, head, arms etc.), and eat it, but he also pulled out his mother’s hair (or maybe cut it – I don’t know) while she slept to eat it! His mother had to cut off her hair off to avoid the situation. He also has issues with personal space, rolling chairs and calling mom “Chubby” and squeezing her thighs…. Well among other things.  

“The World’s a Virus Boy” from what I can tell he thinks he will catch “Flesh eating bacteria virus” from basically doing or touching anything … he has only been there a few days, today the same therapist that was licking the lobby floor, told him that he probably already had it and he would probably die by Monday ……he laughed and said “I know, I know, but it could happen” and then he moved on to his other exposures for the day.

To watch these kids, and see the struggles that the kids and parents have, it’s been an eye opening experience. I watch with fasciation as one by one, these strange treatment methods have these kids come out of there comfort zone and face their fears. As for Prince Charming …. Some days he works on it, other days he refuses totally, but once he realizes that I’m not giving up and we aren’t leaving until he does his “exposures” then he eventually will get started.

Yes its true some days (ok ….most days)  I want to just toss my hands in the air and yell “ F**K it”   ~ runaway from reality, take a break and toss in the towel and say your right, you don’t need to be here ~ I’m done~ but then there are days like today, when he did it , he did all of his extreme exposures that make his skin crawl, and put him so far out of his comfort zone like actually walking up to people and speaking to them, while looking at them, playing a game with them and best of all … .doing it all with his hair out of his face, so that he didn’t resemble Cousin It! So with that, comes hope that I am doing the right thing, no matter how painful this process is, I am doing it, because in the long run, it’s what’s best for the Prince.