Following The Rainbow Home

Its been a long time since I actually prayed, I mean dug deep into my soul and reached out for that guidance and gave it my all to get a connection to the big guy in the sky. Its sad but true, I stopped praying when our prayers weren't answered and we lost both Aunt Doll and Papa within 2 months of each other. Maybe I was holding a grudge for taking them so close together, that I just stopped making that call. Whenever I have lost a loved one, I have always seen a rainbow, within minutes of receiving word that they had left this earth, I would look up and there would be that rainbow. That rainbow that gave my heart a flutter and for a moment the sadness would disappear, because that was their calling card to me, to say its okay.

Over the past few weeks I have seen many rainbows, maybe its from the countless days of rain we have experienced, or maybe its my guardian angels on the other side, trying to show me the way. Its been an exhausting summer, the mornings were long and rough with our daily trips to the therapy center, but I can honestly say that it was worth every leaky eye moment and countless F-bombs I had to text to get where we are today! The change has been amazing, I am in awe everyday seeing more and more progress and even family and friends who didn't realize it was as bad as it was, now finally see the light because they have seen such a drastic change as well.

Last Monday, was the first day of school, the Prince was very nervous, especially Sunday night, you could see the anxiety building throughout the weekend, but by Sunday I thought he was going to explode. This isn't your typical "1st day jitters" this was a " holy shit I am going back to school, I cant do it mountain of anxiety" . I'm not sure I slept Sunday nor did the Prince, once my alarm went off I sat up on the side of my bed and noticed there was a rainbow, shining off the sliding glass doors from the light in the bathroom, it made my heart flutter. Sitting on the edge of the bed for the first time in a long time .....I prayed .........I prayed for the Prince to make it through the day, to make this be it, make this be the right path for him to follow, to make all that we went through worth it, I prayed for light to lead me  in that dark tunnel we had been traveling, I prayed for peace and happiness in my heart, because I don't know what else I can do.

I was amazed at how great he went off to school, how he got out of the car even thou he was so nervous, he was doing it, I felt so relieved as I pulled away from the school leaving him. I finally felt at peace ...............until 12 minutes later and as I pulled into work my cell phone started ringing and it was the Prince............sobbing so hard that a teacher had to get on the line with me. He was having a major anxiety, panic attack. I whipped my car around and 12 minutes later I was there at the school ..... only 24 minutes into the new school year ............thinking to myself ...........obviously my connection to the big blue sky was disconnected or maybe I got a busy signal ..... because this wasn't what we had discussed this morning!!! I took PC outside and let him sit in the car, I tried talking to him, reasoning with him that he's got this, he can do this, and when he was ready, we would try, try again. In the meanwhile I was back at sending my F**K, F**K, F**K text to my mini support group aka  girlfriends! While I was engrossed in my own pity party of "OMG's this cant be happening, what am I going to do", I realized that the car door opened and PC was standing outside of my car ready to try it again....... 48 minutes into the school year ....here we go again.

I anxiously awaited for the hubster and the Prince to call with how wonderful school was, sadly I didn't get that call, instead I got the call how much he hated it and wasn't going back....to many "thugs" and disruptive kids .......SHIT ,,,, there go my leaky eyes.... again........will this ever end??? When I got home I laid with the Prince and he told me about his day ... ... It wasn't so bad ...... and he had some very interesting stories to tell..........

Day 1 - we learned that one of the teachers had 14 felonies by the time they were 12 ... and taught in the prison system ... I thought the moral of the story was " They turned their life around ... and now are helping others". Apparently the moral of the story was "They aren't afraid of the thugs"

Day 2 - the morning had a rough start - Again I anxiously awaited for the after school call and held my breathe to hear how it went .....and he had a good day ... WHAT??? Seriously??? Are you kidding?? It was good?? And he thinks he will like it .... well .....he will like it better when the thugs are gone....

Day 3 - Stomach bug - for all those nah sayers ..... it was real ... the smell out of that bathroom could kill someone ......

Day 4 - Had a good day ...OMG - this melts my heart.......he also met another anti-social girl ...
 and he decided that one of the teachers hair reminds him of his stuffed pillow when all the stuffing came out of it ... ummm yeah I don't know WTH it means....but it was a good day ... so I will take it

Day 5 - It was another good day - We made it an entire week (minus one day) - and he is willing to return on Monday!!! OMG - that's fabulous!!!



As I drove home Friday night, there is was......right in front of me.......the biggest brightest rainbow I have ever seen, leading me home. And once again I felt that flutter in my heart and I knew it was my army of guardian angles telling me that it will be okay, we've got this!

Now if we can just master getting our homework done...................

Learning the 2 Step

Lately I feel like I am practicing my dance moves, two steps forward, two steps back ,cha cha cha …. But  inquiring minds want to know …..Is it working? And how is the Prince doing in the intensive therapy program?  As to be expected he hates it, thinks it’s stupid, and doesn’t know why he needs to be there, some days are good, some days are bad, some days are better than the day before. It has been a long, exhausting 4 weeks and 18 days, with many days of leaky eyes (some days his eyes leak …some days my eyes leak) ……... BUT, I think we are making some progress....Of course some days we make way more progress than other days!! But I guess progress is progress.

I'm ever so thankful for my amazing support system of friends and family, I'm thankful I have friends that I can just text the F-Bomb to 100 times if I need to, because some days you just gotta scream or text) F**K , F**K , F**K !!! Just to feel better and carry on!! Well and I'm pretty sure they would frown on me screaming it there at the center!! And now I have a gift fairy at work, who drops little fun goodies off for me .... it puts a smile on my face, especially when its been a leaky eye day!! So thank you all for the love and the support ~

I’ve learned a lot of things in the past 4 weeks, and I know that my situation could be so much worse. Everyone’s struggle is different and unique. All the kids at the center are there for very different reasons and everyone’s OCD’s, Phobias and  Anxieties are different. I’ve watched the past 4 weeks, as some of the kids have phased out of the program and got to return home, many of the families are from out of state, so I am thankful that I am simply across the bridge!!! And I am hopeful that we too will phase out sooner than later.

I’ve spent a lot of time in the lobby, mainly because the first 2 weeks,  the Prince and I would argue the WHY’s he needed to be here and do these things, so I would need to just walk away and let the therapist work with him without me.  I spent many times just observing in fascination, some of these other kids, watching what they had to do and spoke to their parents, I want to know about the issues they have, I almost crave the conversation, so I didn’t feel so alone and isolated. But as I said all issues are very different.

Some of the kids we have encountered have been  “Shower Girl” she took 3 hour long showers, with the water running ……she would first CLEAN the entire shower, scrub every inch of it, take apart the drain and shower head  (I don’t think I’ve ever done that ever) after the shower was clean she would get in, still water running, have to scrub ever kook and cranny plus her very long rainbow colored hair, then she would redo the ritual of cleaning the shower again… yes with water still running for 3 hours!! After she was out of the shower she had about 10 other rituals that she had to do between 500 to 1000 times EACH!! Her mother told me it literally took her almost 5 hours to get ready to go anywhere!!!  Her last day after 10 weeks she took a 16 minute shower!! She also could not ride in the car without the window cracked because she had to continually push the germs out the car window…….arms failing about especially when her mother sneezed or coughed! The therapist made them sit in the car with the windows rolled up, so that the germs couldn’t escape ….while the mother coughed and coughed…and not all while NOT covering her mouth.

“Contamination Boy” he won’t touch anything ……..and hadn’t left the house in over 2 years. Simple things like the door knob, picking something up from the floors, walking by people, even people breathing the same air as he, would cause him to hold his breath until he passed out most times so that he didn’t get the contaminated germs. One of the things he was required to do ……..to help get him over his fear of contamination and germs… was stick his hand in the toilet water (several times) and NOT wash it (ewww) and then shake someone else’s hand …… needless to say …. I was sitting on my hands in the lobby that day, not making eye contact because I did NOT want to be that lucky someone to shake his hand!!

Another “Contamination Boy 2” argued the facts about cleanliness for over 45 minutes refusing to participate and why he would NOT sit on the hardwood floor, with the therapist who was sitting there on her knees with palms planted firmly in contact with the floor, then she put her face down on the floor and when she stuck her tongue out to lick the floor, I think he almost past out from that exposure. I am certain that my eyes grew wide just watching!

 I sit in fascination watching these events take place, I think that some of these methods are CRAZY ......... but fast forward 5 days later I walked into the center with “Contamination Boy 2” actually sitting on the lobby floor, with his hands palms down and looking at his parents and the therapist and instead of arguing, he smiled and said “What’s next- that was easy”.  Next up was to catch a cockroach, I didn’t stay for that adventure as they headed to the stairwell on their search for a giant cockroach (ewwww).

“Hair Eater” he pulls out his hair (eyebrows, eye lashes, head, arms etc.), and eat it, but he also pulled out his mother’s hair (or maybe cut it – I don’t know) while she slept to eat it! His mother had to cut off her hair off to avoid the situation. He also has issues with personal space, rolling chairs and calling mom “Chubby” and squeezing her thighs…. Well among other things.  

“The World’s a Virus Boy” from what I can tell he thinks he will catch “Flesh eating bacteria virus” from basically doing or touching anything … he has only been there a few days, today the same therapist that was licking the lobby floor, told him that he probably already had it and he would probably die by Monday ……he laughed and said “I know, I know, but it could happen” and then he moved on to his other exposures for the day.

To watch these kids, and see the struggles that the kids and parents have, it’s been an eye opening experience. I watch with fasciation as one by one, these strange treatment methods have these kids come out of there comfort zone and face their fears. As for Prince Charming …. Some days he works on it, other days he refuses totally, but once he realizes that I’m not giving up and we aren’t leaving until he does his “exposures” then he eventually will get started.

Yes its true some days (ok ….most days)  I want to just toss my hands in the air and yell “ F**K it”   ~ runaway from reality, take a break and toss in the towel and say your right, you don’t need to be here ~ I’m done~ but then there are days like today, when he did it , he did all of his extreme exposures that make his skin crawl, and put him so far out of his comfort zone like actually walking up to people and speaking to them, while looking at them, playing a game with them and best of all … .doing it all with his hair out of his face, so that he didn’t resemble Cousin It! So with that, comes hope that I am doing the right thing, no matter how painful this process is, I am doing it, because in the long run, it’s what’s best for the Prince.  

 

 

  
 

Keeping The Tunnel Lit

It's true, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am an open book, you have witnessed some of my deepest joys and sorrows through my blog, I admit it,  I’m an over-sharer, true story, I tell all, some days all you have to do is ask, and I'm like a flood gate gone bad, other days, I have to wait until I have it sorted out, .......somewhat....then I can tell my story. 

There is a reason for my sharing, (I'm hoping to be swooped up by an agent for my keen writing skills ....minus the spelling and grammar)  I am not just that into myself where I think everything that happens in my life is so friggen hysterical ( some days i think I could have my own reality show), or I have the most difficult child in the entire world  and you need to know that ( well yeah - I think  I do), or I have the most adorable fur pups known to mankind ( well that's a true statement ). Mostly it’s because I feel like someone out there has got to have experienced these things before, maybe they can shed some light on things, or at least light a match so I can find my way out of the tunnel!!! 

 I don't discriminate, I write about the good, the funny,  the bad, and the ugly. I write because sometimes, that's all I can do, as Elsa would say "Let it go". And since my brain at the moment has entirely to many browsers open, that's what I need to do...."let it go", even thou it means over sharing! I'm laying here in my pjs, pinned down by 2 fur kids, on either side of me, and the cat plotting our death perched on the dresser at 1:30am (debating what he can toss off to hit me in the head)  I imagine it makes some feel better to read about the crazy struggles happening in our life, maybe it's because you can relate and feel like your not alone or maybe it's because you say to yourself ..... “Boy I’m sure glad that's it's not me"!  

As many know, this has been a long, tiring year for the hubs and I with Prince Charming we have struggled to figure out what to do when our square peg, doesn't fit in that round hole .....I've tried everything from putting him in a small charter school, withdrawing him from school, enrolling him In homeschool, virtual school, nothing has worked, and a few months ago at the doctors appointment it was suggested that he go to residential treatment center. My insides have been screaming NO since those words were uttered out loud, and my eyes remain a leaky faucet. I know what you are thinking....What? Why? He's just going through a phase, he's a teenager, sadly .....it's not a phase, the struggle is real, and we need to get our head out of the sand and face the facts, we are fighting a battle we can not do alone , he suffers from depression, anxiety, ODD,OCD and ADD. I struggle as a parent, with the what ifs? What haves?  Why me? Why us? What did we do to deserve this? It's a selfish, yet real way of thinking.

The past few months, I have worked diligently in "exhausting all efforts" to get the Prince the help he needs, of course there are several roadblocks that we have slammed into head first. In this journey I have discovered what a shitty mental health system we have, it's nearly impossible to get mental health care for children who are not (thankfully) abusing drugs,alcohol or sucidical. They don't meet the criteria, for certain programs, but hey let us know when he does!!! Seriously?? This is the world we live in,where you can't get the much needed help to prevent stuff like this from happening?? Then when you do find a program......the insurance denies coverage, because it's out of network....but I could go to its sister center located in another friggen state for $25 a day.....the location 30 mins from home, is $275 a day!!! WTF?? Are you kidding me??? That's our healthcare at its finest right there!!! Or let's put him in a drug rehab, because it's in network!!

 I'm almost certain, by the time we are done with this, I will need to be committed!!! 

After a solid month of negotiations with the local center, the insurance company, the contractors, the insurance writers and me making daily calls to admissions for this outpatient treatment center, that solely focuses on his issues at hand.....I finally received the call TODAY that they would take my insurance and he starts next Tuesday! Finally, I feel like I can breathe. That's one hurdle crossed, the next will be next Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and everyday after that ......, taking the Prince and making him participate in his wellbeing and overcoming his issues. We have had long talks, that if this doesn't work, if he doesn't TRY then he will be in a residential center and no he will not like those options ........ok I have talked long, he grunts at me. I think he gets it, I hope he gets it, I pray he gets it. 

We had a good week, a better week than we have had in a long time, he got over and helped Mama Pepper a few days, he went out a few times with the hubs.....in public .....in the daytime....did I mention .....in public........around real humans! That's huge!!! So it gives me hope, that he is willing to try and he will beat this! We will beat this! 

I hope that someday the Prince will realize and appreciate  the great lengths and efforts that we have gone through to try and do what's best for him, I hope it is BEFORE he is picking out my bed in a nursing home..... 

But for today I have hope that maybe just maybe, my match will stay lit a little while longer ......as I stumble down that long tunnel. . 

 

 

Shark Attack.....I have the scars to prove it

Of course we have all one of those conversations where someone says something to you, and it sticks in your head for days on end.....like now, when I really should be going to bed, but I currently have a traffic jam in my head!!! So here I am 29 + 10 + 1 ( yea do the math or stop at the 29 - that's what I do), and an innocent comment that a total stranger made on Saturday morning, has my wheels spinning in overdrive, like I am 5 years old again!



5th Birthday .. I think I am holding a cat hostage!



Most people that know me, know I had hip surgery as kid, where they broke both of my hips to turn my legs around, and I was in a full body cast for months ( seemed like forever) and if you've seen me in shorts, a bathing suit or those awesome micro minis ( that I use to have the body to rock in high school ) then you know I also have scars, large dimple looking scars on both sides of my hips. I was almost 5 and in a full body cast, from my chest down to my toes, with a bar in between my legs and pins in my hips to keep my legs straight, and I had a little red wagon that I traveled in, flat on top of it. I spent weeks at All Children's Hospital ....which funny enough is where I now work.

I remember certain things clearly, like my cousin "M" and her friend "S"  pulling me in my little red wagon to go Tricker Treating on Halloween, I was dressed as a sweet little baby doll, I was transformed into a live screaming doll.....with real tears, because when the neighbor, " Crazy Eddie" jumped out of the tree in a gorilla suit ....and my 2 trusty babysitters RAN.... YEP they ran and left this poor, defenseless child, in her full body cast on her wagon, screaming at the crazy man in the gorilla suit!!!! Who took off his mask, to help calm me down..... it didn't work ... I don't remember ever going Tricker Treating (Or anywhere else alone)  with those 2 again, that's for sure!!! I also remember same loving cousin, with her older brother "B" putting me in a sleeping bag, and one being at the top of the stairs, while the other was at the bottom ......and having me slide down.... More like a thump, thump, thump (they of course do not remember those adventures). Or being propped up at my 5th birthday party or Christmas eve,  because I had 2 positions I could be in, I could stand or lay down....I eventually learned to scoot across the carpet on my belly at my great grandmothers house by pulling on the shag  carpet. I remember laying in  the back of a truck on blankets the entire ride to the mountains

I guess you can say it built character ..... because obviously I am full of it!!! HAHHAHA
 


See the dimple peeking out?  



 I don't really remember how long I was in the body cast,  I do however remember the day I was freed from it ......I was screaming "leave me in it" as I thought Dr. Hobbie was chain sawing me out of it!!! I may not be good with names, but you tend to remember the man's name that broke both your legs, slapped you in a full body cast and was now trying to saw me in half ... Yep that was Dr. Hobbie.....(he has to be like 100 by now - because I can picture him in my head plain as day and he was like 100 then)

  I'm sure in my 5 year old mind, it was a way bigger saw than in actuality and he may have only been 90-ish.  But hey, my story, my memories!!

Once freed, I had to learn to do everything all over again, walk swim, bike etc. I even mastered the art of twirling my baton, skating across the brick rode! That was cut short when I fell , broke my arm and a car ran over the TOP of me ... didn't hit me, ran over the top of my body...I know what you are thinking ... How on earth did I ever survive Childhood?? Pretty sure Mama Pepper wonders the same thing some days.. ......or how SHE survived my childhood!!!

 

I also now had these 2 long scars on my hips, with dimples. Not sure I realized what they were until I returned to school the next year, Mama Pepper thought it best I repeated kindergarten ... something about "learning to share again" .... Hey you spend months in a cast and you will also NOT want to share your toys (or cat) with people who can walk away from you and not give it back!! What was I gonna do chase them?? I remember kids  being kids ( translation....mini asshats) and saying " Ewww what's that?" Or " Ewww what happened?" or wose "Eww Gross", these statement in some form or another has followed me the entire 29 + 6 years ( I know again with the math)  I have adored these scars on my hips. The doctors had once said, she will never have scars from this, she will grow taller and the skin will stretch and you won't notice them. HA - I stopped growing in 6th grade - so much for growing taller I have been 5' 2  and 1/2 on big hair days that is....

One summer, I remember going to my granddaddy and crying after we had been at the beach, and i was greeted with " Ewww what happened to you? Why do your legs look like that?" He told me plain and simple  as I sat on his knee and twirled my finger around the salt rim on his Old Milwalkie beer (just so I could taste it)  "There  are all  types of people out there, if people want to talk about you, point and stare, then give them something to talk about.  Be proud of those battle scars you wear, they make you unique and you." .........Okay, seriously that was SO not the answer I wanted at 9 so we also devised several tall tales about  what happened to me .....like I was attacked by a shark, bear, a shot gun .....I mean really I have  2 scars on both of my outside hips .....it's possible that's what actually happened!!! And to a 9 year old way more exciting then hip surgery!

 

I realize that my scars are so very minor and do not even  compare to so many people in this world, but nevertheless,  I can't say that the comments or questions have ever stopped about my scars, even Prince Charming when he was little utter those very same words to me - it's what kids (and adults) do.  I can say that my conversation when I was about 9 years old with my granddaddy helped me FINALLY pass my speech class in college, when we had to give a speech of something either completely true or completely false about yourself. And fool the class ..... After all I had the proof I had be shot  and the bullet ejected right out the other side of my hip! I so nailed that speech, granddaddy would have been proud! I'm just glad no one was smart enough to ask me if I had holes between my thighs .....and not just the outside!

Truthfully, I don't even realize they are there anymore, unless it's cold or rainy out, then my hips ache only to remind me. Or when someone points them out and to say " What happened to you?".

See this is where the 12ft shark got me!
those are teeth marks ..... I promise!

Funny how an innocent conversation with a stranger, in a waiting room ,can bring up a life time of memories, and feelings and all she said to me after noticing my scars was " Oh wow, you know you can have that fix and get rid of that", it took me a minute to even realize what the hell she was talking about, until she started explaining how they can stretch the skin, and pull this and  that and blah, blah, blah. I looked down at my legs and for a split second, I felt like that little girl with the mean kids pointing and saying "Ewww - what's that". Cutting her short before she had me signed up for plastic surgery, I just smiled and said "And why would I want to go and do all that? These battle scars made me who I am today - why change now?"

Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of things I would LOVE to fix and get rid of on my body ~ I mean don't we all???  I'd like to be 40lbs thinner, my arms and thighs to be firmer an ass you could bounce a quarter on, boobs that are back to the prefect perk I had at 19... But as far as the dimples I have on my hips...... Nah - if I got rid of them....... I'd run out of stories to tell ......and then things would just be boring!  

 

I'm over here ....with the Unicorns

A blank canvas ....and nothing to say? Seriously? I have so many rambling thoughts that are running a muck in my head, yet I can't seem to catch them!

Everyone is wondering how is Virtual School? Lets add that to the increasingly long list of WTF have I done now, and how do I fix it?? Needless to say .... this was not the magical cure we had all hoped it would be.The first few days, were nice, but now .......not so much! Obviously my motherly instincts suck at this thing we call kids!!! And NOPE ....I have idea  what's next in my chapter .......maybe I should start thinking of book titles ....."Welcome to Teenager Hell - I'll bring the Marshmallows" sounds catchy right? "This to shall pass...Like a Friggen Kidney Stone" or maybe keep it simple ... "Parenthood - WTH do I do now?". I know they still need some work .....but I'm brainstorming here...... I've got several titles spinning in my head, that I would no doubt be in big trouble with my Mama Pepper for jotting down ... brainstorming or not!

So lets just say there is no need to ask me how it's going so far ....especially because I have now  mastered the art of rolling my eyes (learned from Prince Charming himself) , so far around that I am almost positive that I can see what's behind me! I will be sure to scream it from the roof tops when we are back on track or when I figure out what the hell I am doing.....which ever ones comes first! But thank you for listening when I need to talk it out...........

For now............... I will be in my fairy tale world, where everything is sparkly and pink and I get to slide down rainbows and land on my unicorn. All without spilling my margarita, because some days sticking my head in the glitter is so much better than coming up for air and facing reality!

If you need me....I'll be over here on my unicorn ......