Soggy Summer

Note to self- " Don’t send the grounded child to his Meme's house as punishment …..she taught him to drive the car" WHAT???  I sent him over there so you'd make him do chores...lots and lots of chores!!! Make him scrub the toilets, wash windows, clean the base boards, paint the fence with a tooth brush, sweep the porch, do the laundry ….NOT  teach him to drive!! You know who I am calling when he steals the car now dontcha!!!! He's only 13 ~ but apparently that’s what Meme's do … ..since her mother let the hubster drive to another STATE at 10 ….. Good Gravy … lets not tell PC that one - he''d  be begging to go on a road trip!!!Speaking of road trips… he will be taking one with Mama Pepper - and I wont have to worry about her letting him drive …….Only because she gets car sick if anyone other then her has control of the wheel.   

 

Yep PC is going to the mountains, to White top West Virginia, where I was held hostage in my teenage years.  Yepper-  that's right held hostage by Mama Pepper (or anyone else she could send me off to the mountains with) I would mail out postcards that I was being held hostage to come save me to my friends!! Back in the day when you  made mixed tapes on the boom box, to listen to on your Walkman…...back in time before personal computers, internet, emails ,Facebook, Skype, iPods  …… or gasp…. before we all had cell phones!!! The nosey mailman who obviously read my pleas to be saved from the torture of being isolated in the woods, with no connection to the human world, would give Mama Pepper glaring looks, and ask about the teenage girl on the mountains being held hostage (Mama Pepper would just roll her eyes) ! Clearly he wasn’t interested in saving me, as the cavalry never showed up to take me away!!  

 

PC is very excited to go (me too … I will try and NOT do cart wheels as the car is pulling out of the drive way....it may be hard to contain my excitement that I will be PC free for a whole week .....come to think of it ... that's enough time to pack up the house and relocate into witness protection ....hummmm something to consider). I have forgotten to mention to PC that there is no computer, no cell reception ( not that he has his cell back) and I think they may have a whopping 3 channels on the one TV.  I am sure PC has big plans of getting away from me and hubster (who has been holding strong on the no technology rule ) and plop his ass into a computer chair and Ahhhhhh take a break from being grounded!! HAHAHHAHAHA Wrong -bucko!!  

 

Hummmm come to think of it ……. if I had any common sense I would leave PC here and I would go to the mountain!! And enjoy the peace and quite………...I guess you really do wise up when you get older (even thou I am still only 29)!!!But I will need to stay here , after all who would be fishing Jack outta the pool every 10 minutes morning, noon and night!! Jack the water dog, Jack the mighty Beatle hunter, Jack the soaking wet dog 100 times a day , yep that’s Jack- Jill is like get that giant ass bath tub away from me - I want no part of that wet stuff - just leave me alone!!! Then Jack pushed her in .......needless to say much like the PeeTree the Cat  when Jack pushed her in the pool ....was NOT a happy girl …... it will be a long soggy, technology free summer (for PC at least)  …... I see lots of laundry in my future.......ERR  correction .... I see lots of laundry in PC's summer ....after all Jack was "suppose" to be HIS DOG!!!

   

Make It A Double

Did you know it's possible to be suspended from school  AND be asked NOT to return all because you’re an ASS-MUNCH?? Yepper - we sure did find out that the hard way! I should have followed the clues when….. 

  

1. They raised his tuition rate  for the upcoming year   
2. After my "Teacher Conference" that was oh so delightful …...you know where they listed that he had a "Superior Attitude " and was "A know it All" and " Rude" oh...... and all time favorite "Stated that DAD wanted to see the teachers credentials".  
3. Of course the "Fart Spray" incident didn't help things  

 

I thought we were back on track … clearly I need a new road map because …....Boy was I wrong, the hubster called me on Wednesday and said "I'm on my way to pick up your boy - he's been suspended for the rest of the week. He was causing a commotion"  WTF??? But in the 15 minutes it may have taken the hubster to get to school - it was "He is suspended for the rest of the year. ….. And we will send home his exams to take AT HOME" …..Oh and…. "We don’t want him back here unless you can guarantee that his attitude and behavior has changed" …..UMMMM and how do you think we are able to guarantee that he wont be an ass?? I mean hello?? I have been working on that for 13 years now .. Hasn’t happened yet!!! He is still an ass!!! 

 

 I still am unsure of WHAT exactly happened, according to PC all he did was "move a desk" ...the other kid(s) were actually "expelled"  and I guess the commotion was yelling, screaming and cussing … and PC moving the desk……Pretty sure "Your Suspended" and "We don’t want you back" are the same as being "Expelled" …...but what do I know? It all seemed to happen so fast that my head is still spinning. The only other call we ever had in 2 years was after the Fart Spray last week!! Could he really be that much of a jerk-wad to the teachers?? No need to shake your head and agree...I have no doubt that the answer is ...YES  he could!!! OMG!!!!

 

 Not that I am making light of this, I really am trying to keep calm and not choke the life out of him or the hubster - because I think he is being WAY TO NICE about it ….I really don’t want to be featured on the 6pm evening news…..and trust me when I say it hasn’t been easy, I'm mad, angry, frustrated , humiliated and simply pissed off at this kid!! Pretty sure the tears I have shed over the last few days and nights have actually been produced from the steam that has been coming outta my ears. How did this happen?? How did it come to this?? And a ton of WTF's sprinkled in.....

 

So here I am …….the proud parent of a child who made Magna Cum Laude the first grading period and was kicked out for being an ass-munch by the 2nd grading period. WTF?? Today I get an email from the school … that to make things easier on me (us) we have 2 choices  regarding PC taking his exams …..he can keep the grades that he currently has as his "Final Grades" or he can take the Exams which depending on the scores could HELP or HURT   his current final grade … .I braced myself ….thinking obviously if he was being such an ass-munch (my new favorite word) then his grades must be horrible, how can someone causing so much commotion pay attention and be getting good grades….obviously he is failing miserably …… 

 

Drum Roll Please  

Algebra B+ 

Language Arts A 

Geography C- 

Science C+ 

Fast Forward B 

TA C+ 

Journalism A 

 

Hummm….mind blowing eh? Ummmm,  I voted to keep those grades as his current final grade , because really  they are pretty good … I know I couldn’t pull an B+ outta my ass right now in Algebra … I was Googling  the how to video's to figure out his math homework last week!! And do I want to be screaming and yelling anymore then I already am doing right now with our situation about him doing these freaking exams at home!! Of course I have no intention on telling PC that he does not have to take them, I think I may even get a copy of them and make him take them anyways…...just for fun.  

 

 

The last 2 days I have signed him up to work with Mama Pepper  and helping her with things, I refuse to let him sit around and think he is on some friggen vacation …. Nope we will work him like  a dog. There is no computer, no video games, no cell phone ….for the entire SUMMER …..just chores, chores oh and more chores. And if I have to box up all those things so that the hubster wont cave … so be it … I have the boxes already to be pack and some duck tape to wrap it up and plop it in my next yard sale!! Maybe ever slap a sticker on his head (maybe both PC and Hubster if they don't straighten up)  - free with a purchase!!!

 

So now what?? So where do we go from here?? Where am I sending the ass-munch for 8th grade?? I have no friggen clue..... yet ….... 

 

 Where do I go from here?? Straight to the mini bar and grabbing the tequila ….Mama needs a double tall margarita its been a rough week!!!!  

 

 

Your Grounded .... FOREVER

Just when I think I am going to get the MOTY Award (Mother of the Year) after PC

found a dead squirrel down ...the street, so as anyone who knows this boy ...they know that means the world has ended...... (Pretty sure he'd rather see a dead person in the road then an animal) ... He wanted to go down and bury it.....so "WE" grabbed a mini shovel and a towel , and "WE"  drove down the block and buried the dead (thankfully not squished) squirrel by the creek. And when I say "WE" I mean "ME" because he was way to emotional...and we even said a little squirrel prayer....I thought maybe just maybe .........that would get me some kind of  Wonder Mom  cape,  wand, or maybe a  tiara...... Nope none of the above!!!

 

Fast forward a few days and we are all going in our matchy, matchy outfits for our 1st ,yes,  1st real family photo shoot out at the beach, Hubster bought me a session for X-mass and PC agreed that he would actually partake in this family photo event ....Hummm I guess that we should have done it the day he bought the session and not 4 months later when the groupon was set to expire.......So there we are all in our matchy, matchy outfits, looking like a perfectly normal, sane family and in a blink of an eye .......... ....there we were looking like the  perfectly dysfunctional ~ insane family that we are!! PC transformed from a 13 year old to a 3 year old in a blink of an eye .... and resembled  Cousin It and would not look up and get the friggen hair out of his face. ...Needless to say ... we have no shoots with all 3 of us, it ended up just me and the Hubster gazing in to each others eyes as we smiled and whispered sweet nothings to each other such as ... "I'm gonna freaken kill him " and "Yeah me too" ... now smile big for the photographer ... we stopped the photo shoot after a few pictures.

OMG Seriously?? Cant we do one family photo we could at least pretend to be a normal family right?? At least in pictures!!! I should of just taken the dogs at least they would smile for the camera and be happy to be there with their family ... ..as dysfunctional as we maybe!!

 

Sadly this little incident happened the day before his 13th birthday and he ended up being very grounded for being such as ass!!! And being the mean mom I am .....I made him do his make up work ....yep on his birthday ... at one point PC looked at me and said "This is not a very fun birthday" and I blurted out "And do you know WHY???" yep he did know, do maybe he is learning ....

 

At least I will always remember when he turned 13 ...all I will have to do is look at my family photo portrait .........who is missing part of the family ....WTF???

 

So the adventure didn't stop there nope...sure did not ..... the next incident happened at school...

Facebook Friend ...Not Yet

Oh boy, looks like I have a friend request ...here let me click and see who wants to be friends......
Oh it's ........Oh Hell No.............WTH?? It's PC!!! What?? How on earth am I getting a friend request from PC my darling son ....who after the "teacher conference" was suppose to be grounded from the computer!!! How am I getting a friend request when he doesn't even have a Facebook account because he is not 13 yet (apparently he was born in 1999 according to his account)  ?? And how am I getting a Facebook friend request from the grounded child, on the Facebook account he isn't allowed or old enough to have...... and how is it that he is sending it at 10am ...which happens to be while he was at school ...taking exams!!!OH And lookie who has already accepted his friend request .... that's right you guessed it the HUBSTER and both grandma's oh the aunts and uncles ...all but his mom!!!


I know, I know....most people would be thrilled to get a Facebook request from their darling child, right? Some days I think I may have to "un-friend" Mama Pepper .....when I get a "PEPPER" when she doesn't like what I have posted!! Hello I am 29 (and holding) I'm not 12  .. (I so see a PEPPER in my VERY Near future!!!)  and I will certainly need to unfriend her if she ever learns to add photos!!! So my first thought well besides the HOW did this happen, was WTH?? No, no , no what is he crazy?? There is NO way that he and I can share social media platforms...it's not possible .......I use Facebook and this blog to rant and rave about how bat-shit crazy this boy makes me........ I certainly don't want him reading about it!!I don't want him to realize I have a entire blog to rant and rave about him and the Hubster ......No way that would spoil my big plans later in life ...... I have big plans for this journal (aka blog that I will someday be famous for I am sure) yep  I am keeping, track of his life, I only wish I had started sooner!! I guess I will need to start doing some "Back In The Day" post ......


My Easter Card from PC -

I have dreams of him meeting a nice girl, moving out of the house before he is 30,  getting married, and me giving her a kiss on the cheek and handing her a published manual of my blog posts ...maybe titled ..."He Wonders WHY He's An Only Child...Let Me Count The Ways" and telling her good luck...and then I will be running out the door yelling "He's your Pain In The Ass now Sweetie"  and on my way to Mexico! Or another idea would be to wait until PC has a child of his own , lean over give him a kiss and a publish manual titled "Karma's a Bitch -You Should Have Listened To Your Mama" and yelling good luck buddy I hope he's just like you and running off to Mexico ...because I certainly don't want to have to babysit the mini me child!!!

Am I being selfish by not accepting his request? Does he really care that I haven't accepted it? I doubt it, he probably doesn't even realize I have yet to accept it.  Should I accept and post really embarrassing photos of him as a child?? SO Tempting but  um ...probably not since Mama Pepper seems to spill the beans on me as a child to PC ...so she would be digging up photos galore and HE would teach her to post them ...and it wouldn't just be of me with the big... bad hair, my girlfriends I am sure would also be featured in her "Throw Back Thursday" photos if she knew how to post them!!
Mama Pepper " Oh he was so upset about what the teacher said at school  ...so I told him that one time you said the teacher was being mean to you  ...so I went in to yell at the teacher and he said you always called him baldy "  ......MOTHER  .....good  gravy Mama Pepper ....don't tell him that stuff ..... PC's now is a vegetarian (as of last week)  .... Mama Pepper pipes in " Well you stopped eating just about everything at his age...I even had to pack a cooler of foods you would eat when you went away" GOOD Gravy ..... stop giving him ammo would ya???

 I think there is to much drama for him to be on FB .......and I certainly don't want to have to Stop...Think...Post before I fire off anything inappropriate..... or rant about PC ... I know I SHOULD do that regardless... I just don't wanna!!! So I will click ignore ...until I am ready to share this slice of the pie!

He Said What???

I've sat through many parent teacher conferences over the years with PC, from my very first conference with Ms. Kitty his preschool teacher, which had to be my favorite as she was spinning all the positive vibes about how he will be such a leader ...and not a follower... to the time I went to his 6th grade conference with 7 of his teachers and  they were SHOCKED he wasn't British ... because apparently he had been using a fake accent in all his classes at  school, and then we had the conference today.....where I wanted to crawl under the table and hide!!!

Backing up a few weeks ago, I got a call from one of PC's teachers and she left a message that PC " thinks he is tech support and is changing the settings on the computers, swapping out batteries for the laptops, and changing where documents are stored. Please have a talk with him........ " well you get the idea, of course the standard reply from your tween who is in trouble is " It wasn't me" and " I didn't do anything" and since I am such the bad guy and can start WW2 by just speaking (or breathing most days) or asking a question to PC ... that seems to set off fireworks so I let Hubster talk it out with him and get to the bottom of it, problem solved. I even followed up with the teacher when she called for another reason to make sure he was complying with the rules and the computers and she said YES he was, and that NO he wasn't changing things on the computers.

So thankfully for me (at least today) , the parent teacher conferences are set up with 1 teacher,  the homeroom teacher, she gets feed back from everyone else and brings it all to the conference ....  so there I sit and as I am scanning the comments from his beloved teacher whom he has for 3 of his 7 classes I see " and he(PC)  made the comment that "His dad wants to see my credentials because he does not believe I know what I am doing" .....OMG!!!! I am ready to climb under the table and call it a day - all while the homeroom teacher is reading the comments out loud ... clearly I can read ... and I am pretty sure I muttered a "OMG and are you friggen kidding me" she stopped short and said "Oh... Wow"....I mean really what do you say to that???? Because I can image Hubster and PC having this conversation since PC is 12 going on 32 and knows everything about anything! Other comments were " He is so bright and capable of doing the work" and  " he has superior attitude at times" and "he complains all class long", and 'when he does work he does great work"  So really it almost sounds like he is at home!!

Needless to say we all know he is bright and can do the work, but he is stubborn and lazy and apparently busy throwing his dad under the bus with the teachers..........so I came home handed the reports to Hubster since he didn't want another round of WW2 to explode and I did what any reasonable level headed mom would do... I took the dogs to the dog park! That way I didn't go to jail for strangling PC, there was no screaming and yelling like a lunatic mama that we know I can be and the pups were happy and will sleep well tonight.

The Hubster and PC rode their bikes to the dog park and chatted and hopefully none of the conversations were about the teachers credentials or anything else he will be repeating in the heat of the moment to his teachers...............