It was Friday night 5 days ago, that my dad came to the decision that he would not suffer with chemo, he wanted palliative care and hospice set up, and pain management, so he could go pain free and peacefully. Saturday morning I went over and spent time with him, he was calm, clear and level headed. He would look over and say, "Don't worry younin', I'll be fine" I left him Saturday peacefully sleeping in his recliner. Sunday I went over and he had aged another 100 years, over night, he wasn't the peaceful man I left less than 24 hours prior, he was in a lot of pain, and just wanted us to go, so he could rest, I wasn't sure he'd make it through the night. By Monday I had arranged for Hospice to come and meet me at the house on Tuesday at 9AM. I had answered all the necessary questions, taken all the info down that she gave me, in my handy little binder that now contained every aspect of my daddy's medical history over the past 5 weeks, as I am the adult in charge. 37 minutes passed when I got the call that my daddy was back on his way to the hospital in an ambulance, off I rushed out the door to meet him there.
Mama Pepper, my rock , rode over with me, I am fortune that they didn't have a nasty divorce, people may not understand the dynamics that the 3 of us have together, if they did, more divorced couples, would choose to be this way, especially when children are involved. Even now as the adult in charge, I need them both, in a way most don't understand.
When we arrived to the ER, it was then at that very moment that I became the real adult in charge, I couldn't wait for the real one to show up, they were late and I was it. I spoke to the first ER doc, who wanted to know his medical history, he asked hard questions, and told the truth that he only had a few hours or maybe a day or two to live. He helped me fill out a DNR, which I had to do 3 times, since I couldn't seem to get the names in the right location, because my eyes were leaky and I couldn't read the damn thing to fill it out. Finally he filled it out, held his finger where to sign and he signed below my name to make it official. When I heard my daddy screaming in pain, as several nurses gathered around trying to get a line in, to give medication, as he now has pneumonia, I went in and screamed for everyone to stop, and not touch my dad. Everything halted, and all stood there staring at me the little loud redhead, the adult in charge, standing there in the ER with all eyes on me. All 3 nurses fled the room while I ran to the glass window, tapping rapidly on it to get the other ER docs attention, I wanted him, the truth teller to come help me. He said another doctor was assigned to the case, that doctor, spoke to me like my daddy would be leaving the hospital to return home...... so clearly he was freaken crazy, no I needed the truth teller, and not the other guy he's an idiot. I refused and said that doesn't work for me, I need you to tell to these people to get him sedated and out of pain, before they do anything else. The idiot doctor resigned himself from being my dads doctor, as he doesn't do "comfort care", he's there to "cure people" ~~~~News flash ass-hat he's terminal, the cancer is eating him from the inside out, there is no curing him. He transferred his chart to another on the hospice wing. And for the record, not a fan of the next new guy, who also made mention that we could send my dad home when he felt better, clearly they are not looking at the same man I am laying in that bed, so I am only dealing with the hospice nurse, to handle his care, they understand.
When we arrived to the ER, it was then at that very moment that I became the real adult in charge, I couldn't wait for the real one to show up, they were late and I was it. I spoke to the first ER doc, who wanted to know his medical history, he asked hard questions, and told the truth that he only had a few hours or maybe a day or two to live. He helped me fill out a DNR, which I had to do 3 times, since I couldn't seem to get the names in the right location, because my eyes were leaky and I couldn't read the damn thing to fill it out. Finally he filled it out, held his finger where to sign and he signed below my name to make it official. When I heard my daddy screaming in pain, as several nurses gathered around trying to get a line in, to give medication, as he now has pneumonia, I went in and screamed for everyone to stop, and not touch my dad. Everything halted, and all stood there staring at me the little loud redhead, the adult in charge, standing there in the ER with all eyes on me. All 3 nurses fled the room while I ran to the glass window, tapping rapidly on it to get the other ER docs attention, I wanted him, the truth teller to come help me. He said another doctor was assigned to the case, that doctor, spoke to me like my daddy would be leaving the hospital to return home...... so clearly he was freaken crazy, no I needed the truth teller, and not the other guy he's an idiot. I refused and said that doesn't work for me, I need you to tell to these people to get him sedated and out of pain, before they do anything else. The idiot doctor resigned himself from being my dads doctor, as he doesn't do "comfort care", he's there to "cure people" ~~~~News flash ass-hat he's terminal, the cancer is eating him from the inside out, there is no curing him. He transferred his chart to another on the hospice wing. And for the record, not a fan of the next new guy, who also made mention that we could send my dad home when he felt better, clearly they are not looking at the same man I am laying in that bed, so I am only dealing with the hospice nurse, to handle his care, they understand.
I had the hospice care transferred to the palliative care hospice wing at the hospital. Getting him settled as much as we could and letting him know, its okay you won't have to move from here, he seemed to relax some, they installed a morphine pump, and gave some other heavy duty drugs and he drifted off to sleep. By Tuesday everyone in the wing knew who I was, the little red head, the adult in charge, who has frequent melt downs, the moment I heard a moan come from my Dad, and that no crying rule that Mama Pepper has, has been suspended. I have the bed next to his so that I can sleep, I can cry, I can just lay there and watch him breathe, in and out, stop....I think finally he's at peace .......and then he starts all over again.
Tuesday was spent playing some of his favorite songs, and some of mine, that we'd sing together "Devil went down to Georgia" and "Another One Bites The Dust" we laughed hysterically at my suggestions, but we played them anyways, why wouldn't we, hell we even played them at my wedding! Mama Pepper and I cried, she sat there telling stories, all while he rested peacefully and we prayed with the chaplain (amazingly none of us ...well me or my dad caught on fire.....we all know Mama Pepper has her golden ticket). They would come in and reassure us that it will be soon.I had fallen sound asleep on Tuesday, he hadn't made a sound in hours, I drifted off, for the first time in days about 5PM, when I heard a scream I will never forget, I open my eyes, jump out of the bed, and lunged at the aid, who was checking on my dad. She had bumped him, which woke/ startled him, the morphine pump had run dry, the alarm sounded and I was screaming at her to not touch him, all the nurses charged in the room, trying to handle the chaos. The screams and the face my daddy made as I tried to comfort him, while they sedated him quickly, will haunt me for the rest of my life. This lasted maybe a minute or less, but felt like a lifetime. He is now sedated and will not wake, even if they did bump him, which I can assure you, they won't. I made my daddy a promise, he would go in peace, he would be pain free, and the whole wing (and possibly the whole ER) knows that the little red head, the adult in charge, the one with frequent melt downs is not kidding when she tells them that he will not be in pain and he will go peacefully.After 15 hours I had to come home, I thought maybe he was holding on for me, since I was there, maybe he will pass when we leave, after all he didn't want to be rude and leave the party early right? I repeated to him all day and night "Don't worry Daddy, I'll be fine", after all I am the adult in charge, I even chuckled at the thought that I am the adult in charge, who's idea was that again? We prayed he would go, I need them to call me and say he passed in his sleep, Mama Pepper drove me home, because apparently contacts and leaky eyes, don't mix, so I couldn't see by the end of the day. I waited for that call all night long, then this morning at 4AM, I called and he is still resting peacefully......I think my heart stopped, how can he still be holding on? Is he waiting for me to come back? Mama Pepper and I waited for the break in the storm and headed back to the hospital at 6AM.
In typical my daddy, stubborn as a bull fashion, he's doing what he wants, he will leave when he is ready, and not any sooner. You can tell him that lunch is at 12PM he will arrive at 9:30AM, every single time. Obviously he plans on riding out this storm, he loved a good hurricane or any storm for that matter, he'd sit in the lawn chair outside with his Michelob he'd call me and say "Youngin' you should see this wind whipping around" and then tell me all the things flying around, as I would gasp and tell him to get back inside before he blows away and as always he ended the call with "Don't worry youngin' I'll be fine".
Its now Wednesday evening,I am home for now, he is still resting peacefully, riding this one last storm out. I hope when this storm passes so does he, before I left today I repeated over and over "Don't worry Daddy, I'll be fine, we will be fine, I got this, you need to get on your way, you have a party to attend" And I reminded him that he was worried about me, he could always send the winning lotto tickets, think of all the glitter and vinyl and crafting I could do with that. I wish someone would tell me what time this party was going to start, so I can get him on his way, I know he wouldn't want to be late! Its true, I will be fine, I have a huge, amazing support system, and between Mama Pepper and Daddy they taught me to be strong, to be brave, to keep my sense of humor, because if you can cry about it, you can also laugh about it and that will get me through these next few hurdles, I have to go. I might trip, I might stumble, but I will always get back up, it just might take a minute or so.
At the moment, my heart hurts, with every minute that passes, every second I know he is with us, my heart is heavy and I think it might break in a million pieces, it takes my breathe away, but I will be fine. I will be at peace when he goes, I will heal when he goes............."Don't worry Daddy, I will be fine".
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