Well I can say that this has been an epic fail in my parenting skills, we never figured it out, everyday I still wonder WTF?? The Prince turned 16 in April, and I withdrew him from homeschool just yesterday and will be signing him up to take his GED. When will that be? I have no idea, my guess is when I can get him to leave the house, I mentioned it yesterday and he went into hiding ....so yeah it wont be soon. Is it an ideal plan? Nope - but its the only one I've got right now. For those that keep asking but then what? I don't freaking know......And for the record just so we are clear .......... continuing to ask me, doesn't help. I judge myself more than you can ever image, so you can stop, there really is no need for it, I am doing it for the both of us - so don't you worry ....I got this! Oh sorry - that little rant was a long time in the making ........and probably why I haven't written in so long! But I've learned a few things this year, you're never going to please everyone, not everyone is always going to like you, they aren't always going to be on your side and that's okay - its truly their loss ~ and besides I really miss writing, and for the two people that may read this nonsense, I bet they miss me to!
It's not how I thought things would turn out. I had a hard time with the Prince turning 16, I had leaky eyes for weeks before, during and after ( and yes still) this milestone. The leaky eyes were more like flood gates, all I could think was this isn't how I thought it would be, he should be experiencing things like getting a drivers licenses, going to prom, homecoming, girlfriends and getting a J-O-B.
I've watched in envy from the sidelines of Facebook and life as everyone has celebrated these milestones their kids have made this year from sports, boyfriends, girlfriends, proms, homecomings getting their licenses and now graduations. Don't get me wrong I celebrated with you, I cheered when you cheered, I ohhhh and ahhh at every photo and story I read. I admire that you've got this parenting gig down. I'm not the jealous type, I've never looked at someone's life and said "oh I wish that was my life" because let's face it, life isn't always greener on the other side of the grass, usually it's spray painted. But I find myself jealous of those milestones that you are so proudly posting ( which you should be proud! I sure as hell would be too- hell I'm proud when the Prince takes a shower and uses soap and shampoo) I find that I'm jealous that not just you but your gem will have those memories forever. I hope that someday things will change, the Prince will grow into the amazing young man I know he is and he to will experience these things....until then I will live vicariously through you on Facebook.
Over the past year I've looked back over my blog post trying to figure out where I went wrong, I need to remember some of the things I actually write - because let's face it - some of it is good advice that I spew out, like why does it have to be something I did wrong, why can't I accept the fact that the Prince is wired differently than others? It's true, I know it's true and yet .......there still that nagging in the back of my head, that forever ongoing internal conversation in my head that just keeps asking why.......why is it like this? And those judg-y ass people peering over in my lane....I got this ...no need to help with the constant clutter in my head.
I wrote an open letter to the Prince on his birthday (it's posted below) I printed it out and stuck it in his birthday card, the Prince isn't much on expressing emotions, but when I later went into his room, he looked up at me, tapped the letter smiled at me and touched his heart and the letter again and went back to doing his thing, while to most that wouldn't seem like much, but to me it meant the world. He gets it .....and really in the end that's who matters.
Do I know what's next? Nope I have no clue, I'll just put one foot in front of the other and keep going and that's all I got! Now all those judg-y folks just stay in your lane or risk the chance of me running you over ~
Do I know what's next? Nope I have no clue, I'll just put one foot in front of the other and keep going and that's all I got! Now all those judg-y folks just stay in your lane or risk the chance of me running you over ~
Open letter to the Prince........
To my baby bouncing boy who is now towering over me, I want you to know I love you with all my heart (even on those days I want to string you up by your toes which…………. is often). 16 years ago you came into this world all on your own terms, arriving 4 weeks earlier than expected, I mean hey I still had shopping to do, but no way did you want to wait and cook a little longer!! You flew out of that oven within 20 minutes of that first push and it’s been a hell of an adventure ever since!
I remember my first teacher conference at preschool when you were two years old, Ms. Kitty a 50 year veteran, told me “He’s such a leader, he will do great things, but right now, I need him to follow me and understand I am the leader”, I heard the same statement from many teachers over the years, all followed by how incredible brilliant you are, and that you will do great things in life. You’re smart, witty, handsome, and full of untapped potential, someday I hope you see that too.
In 16 years I have learned so much from you and about you. I know that there is always a Plan B, C, even Z and sometimes, we start over with a 1, 2 or 3. There is always another path, even if it's the road less traveled. Just because it’s what everyone else is doing, doesn’t make it right for you. I’m learning that you should take the path in which your vision allows you to see what you do have, instead of what we wished you had. Leave that other path unexplored. Don’t give it one more second of your precious time or energy. It’s not an easy lesson to learn, but we grow most from our challenges and roadblocks. So we now learn to embrace it and lean in for the ride.
I’ve learned that you can’t force a square peg in a round hole or vice versa no matter how hard you try. I’ve learned that there is no such thing as “normal” and why should there be, we are all unique and shouldn’t be compared to what we think “normal” looks like, because honestly who knows what that is! I’ve learned that sometimes, you just have to step back and take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, and one minute at a time. I have learned that not everyone will understand or approve of the choices we make, and the things we do, and that’s ok, they don’t have to. I’ve learned that you’re going to trip and fall occasionally, but that we just dust ourselves off and stand again. Maybe that internal compass will malfunction and you’ll lose your way, but we just look for another path to take as we dust ourselves off and stand again.
One day I hope that you will see you’ve got places to go, things to do, lives to touch, miracles to make. I promise you’ll see things differently someday, everything will be brighter, better, full of options that you hadn’t noticed before and when you do, just know that we will still be standing by your side, cheering you on. In the end I know you will do great things, they will be on your own terms as with everything you do in life.
I hope someday you will look back and remember all these lessons that you have taught me and know that it’s a miracle…………. you survived your childhood without me stringing you up by your toes!
Happy 16th Birthday to my little Prince Charming ~
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